a sliding scale of broke

Last couple of days I reached out to the booksellers on the Bibliophile Mailing List and asked for advice on a couple of fronts…we all know the whole asking for advice thing? A. people who ask for it never take it, and B. you never get the advice you WANT to get,  and C. you just end up doing what you were going to do anyway, why did you bother asking in the first place? As emails went back and forth,  some booksellers who actually care about the decisions I have to make had some good advice, some I which hadn’t even occured to me…advertising..i hadn’t thought of advertising money. 

8-kitchens-1950s-xlgIn the middle of my self justification performance art piece, one of my friends – just straight up asked me “what do you WANT from this transaction.”  Unlike myself,  I didn’t parse that sentence down to its bare atoms as i would normally do, “was she being funny? was she being serious?, annoyed? what transaction? the puchase of the house? the solicitation of advice?” -see that rabbit hole gets deep fast once you start digging…. Basically I just took it as read...what are you looking for?

Like everyone…i want to be happy…but unlike anyone…i have to live with me…and the furry circus..but mostly with me.. and i am not asking anyone else to live with me, trust me, i wouldn’t do it if i didn’t have to.   So, I have had a long time to dwell on what it would take to MAKE me happy. After all if we don’t know what makes us happy – how can we expect anyone else to know?

Obviously i NEVER want to move again…for all my fantasy about traveling, I am the living ‘anthropomorphic personification’ (thanks Terry Pratchett) of  George Carlin’s skit about a place for my stuff.   I need a place for my stuff, granted, i am not as attached to my stuff as i once was, and some of my stuff are just throw pillows with heartbeats, but i like having a nest, my bolt hole – perhaps as a result of the insecurity of having a terrible parent, and losing the house I had with my exhusband, but  I want a home of my own, where I can stay in until I am in my dotage.

I can’t not buy INTO the barbie dreamhouse,  it is in the DNA of practically every Baby Boomer, we were sold a bill of goods, you can have your house, and your Reverewear whistling tea kettle.  The more money you have dictates how elaborate your Barbie house is. I  envy the younger generations, (christ did i just say that!?!)  the thirty somethings and the twenty somethings, who can live out of a backpack and move into a micro house when they get back from hiking the Himalayas – but i’m a fifty something, with a lot of mental baggage and i need someplace to park it.

A lot of the advice I was getting from my friends,  was intensely practical, “get an inspection, what about the appliances, and the roof, and the floors, check the flood insurance rates, yatta yatta yatta”…all the stuff i planned on doing anyway.  Gee,  it’s not like i haven’t thought this through for the last eight months. But all of the thinking about what’s wrong with it, is just short term thinking. EVERY house in my price range has all those things wrong with it, that’s just part of the process.   There’s a level of broken I can live with, it exists on a sliding scale with the amount of money I can spend.  The less broke, the higher the cost. I can’t afford perfect, I wouldn’t know what to do with it if i had it. Basically ...did i use basically more than once in those post? i’m trying not to…essentially…how’s that word? I am looking for a something I can fiddle with, something that is FAR from perfect but completely within my skillset. I am looking for ME…in house form, a work in progress.


washing-machine-cartoon I had a fight with my lawyer about a washing machine…a twenty year old washing machine…with rust on it. i know i know…<hangs head in shame>…..to me it wasn’t ABOUT the washing machine at all…why would it be, right? besides he had no idea what i was on about… Basically we have a signed purchase and sale agreement floating around the universe…last time i checked the broker’s assistant was chasing my sister in law for her signature…but my lawyer likes to play things close to the vest…translation, he never volunteers any information, he waits until i get pissed off enough to ask him about stuff…. so when i read through the thing, it makes mention of all the appliances in the building being part of the sale…yatta yatta …of course what’s in the apartments goes with the apartments..but no one ever talked to me about what i wanted to keep and what i wanted to leave… no one ever ASKED me my opinion about dick, they just went on about their business… the laundry room in the basement is MINE, not a communal space, never has been, another thing Himself and I fought over…he had the entire rest of the basement to add coin op machines IF he wanted them. obviously he didn’t want them enough…so i have my industrial shelving and all my shipping materials down there…along with my mother’s washing machines and drier. It’s just always been that way…40 years now… The machines are shit, i know this..i use the most rusted one for the cat bedding, and the drier was out of commission for the last few years until i had it fixed last summer. But i still have one reasonable pre Energy Star washer, that i wanted to donate to the wild life rescue folks. Now  if the new owners actually WANTED these things, i wouldn’t have had much to say, but they don’t…they are all going to the dump so they can put in washers for the tenants..i know this..that’s what i would do. It would be wasteful, to let it go to the dump and then have to buy a new one for the animal laundry… well I probably could buy them a $400 washing machine, once i have the money. – who knows i still may, i may send these all to the dump and buy them a new one…i just wanted the CHOICE, of what to do with what i considered MY appliances. Hell I consider the ones in my apartment mine too, since i had to buy them myself, they didn’t come out of the house account. Can you SEE where my brain was stuck in an endless loop? I was never asked about what was MINE and what was included in the sale, i didn’t like being left OUT of the discussion. I wanted to be IN the loop when these decisions are made…i have had 10 years of being OUT of the loop letting himself drive the place into the ground, letting MY lawyer do it as well,  just irks me like finger nails on a blackboard. Sometime in the next day I will sign the paper too. And then baring the new owner’s inspector finding all those dead bodies i buried in the yard, about a month from now, I will have a little cash in my pocket and will no longer be a homeowner. At least for the time being. But I will still have a crappy washing machine.

to stove or not to stove

stove In the never ending task of trying to keep various parts of my brain busy, I started thinking about my kitchen - regardless of what house it will be in, lets move on from that shall we? - Using the red house as a yardstick for now…the rooms will be small. Granted my kitchen is small now, it’s rather a hallway with a sink…in certain circles, like NYC my kitchen would be considered vast…. regardless space shouldn’t be wasted and if i begin as i intend to go on, applying all the space saving skills I have at hand, I can make the space i WILL have seem much larger than it is. Did that make sense to anyone but me? No, doesn’t matter, lets move on.

Essentially i came to this marvelous conclusion when i picked up that little hutch..to continue looking for smaller than average furniture and appliances, to make the space I do have seem larger. I have already been collecting smaller than average cookware for many years. Though my kitchen HAS a 22″ inch apartment size stove, it is purely for decoration. I have a cutting board over it and haven’t used it for over 12 years..in fact i think this one is a replacement and i have never used it at all. I have a Counter top oven..which is a toaster oven on steroids…and one single ‘fifth’ burner…though i wish i had two. That’s all i need and I can cook pretty much anything – I want. I never cook for more than just me, and even if i have company in the new place, i can do that using what i got just fine. I don’t NEED a STOVE, I really don’t.


WHY does a kitchen HAVE a stove? Cause it’s traditional. Most people can’t cook for shit to begin with, but they have a stove because, a kitchen has a stove. Go look at any old person’s domicile…only ONE burner is used and they end up heating an entire oven up just to reheat leftover pizza cause it gets soggy in the microwave…my microwave is above the fridge so i can make my popcorn.

While I was looking at Energy Star Appliances I noticed there are NO energy Star ovens..there just isn’t because they waste energy. It is part of the design…and it is even MORE wasteful for ONE person. Even if i use it all the time, the ENTIRE box needs to get hot just so i can cook what amounts to a meat loaf. So WHY do i have to HAVE a stove?

I will stick with the countertop oven, though sadly they don’t make MY model anymore. It’s a beat to hell and will probably last a little longer. I did start looking for a replacement though, there are convection ovens about the same size…large enough to roast a chicken, bake a cake or bread without burning the tops. I found the Professional Grade ovens look like the best use of energy..and they cost about the same as an entire stove. The Wisco 620 Commercial Convection Counter Top Oven costs about $400 and i will need to install a 2 burner cooktop $300… so now i am in seven bills when any partially used stove will only cost about $200 and a new one under $400. Should i good stoveless and use that space for the 19″ dishwasher? I’m thinking MAYBE.

Cooktop Over the years I have put together an excellent collection of cookware that fits in my counter top oven…that’s harder than it sounds. You know those muffin pans with the little handles that stick out? can’t use em… roasting pans with flared sides? nope. Basically 12″ wide is the limit, and i had to have a buddy tin snip down some large muffin pans from 6s to 4s. The Wisco should actually accept normal sized cookware without much problem, it will certainly use what i have. But Think about the volume of air surrounding the pans that would have to be heated to cook said muffins? it’s GOT to be less wasteful on energy. It may take years to make that $300 difference in costs, but time not really the issue.

That was my very long winded rationalization on NOT buying a stove, if and when the time comes that i have to buy a stove. I don’t expect the little red house to have its appliances, i really don’t. But then many of the other houses I look at are sporting stoves from previous generations, and god only knows what the insides look like. I am one person, i don’t need a 32″ stove taking up room and sucking up energy just to bake a meatloaf…meatloaf…been a long time since i made a meatloaf…. hmm…maybe i should make the kind that comes with the boiled egg in the middle? which would be funny since I use ground poultry. Time to fire up my steroidal toaster oven.

personal views

view from pleasant st We got a closing date yesterday…May 16th…baring unforseen events…if the owner inspects it and likes what he sees, yatta yatta yatta… meanwhile my fakakta lawyer who NEVER initiates contact with me, at no time bothered discussing with me what i am going to do on May 17th. These people who AREN’T moving are way to fucking relaxed if you ask me. The next person who tells me not to worry is going to die from the effort. Basically he’s like…”you’re a tenant, just get together with your sister and law and write out a lease and start paying rent and pretend nothing’s wrong and maybe they won’t evict you – but be prepared to move.” Holy fucking christ is he SERIOUS with this malarkey? just RELAX and Wait for the hand grenade to be thrown into my life? I DID have to remind him that i hired HIM to deal with my sister in law…as far as Mrs Himself is concern i could be dead on the floor and it would be no skin off her nose…HIS JOB is to take care of this shit. …yeah i know i was gonna stop swearing in these posts. Whatever…Since the new owner is just a landlord they probably won’t mind if i just keep giving them money for the privilege of staying here, cept for the fact that i have more than the average amount of furry roommates. Realistically what is done is done, and getting me out on May 17th plus 30 days, isn’t any better for them than letting me stay for a few months. So, perhaps i will just wing it…yeah…like that’s ever happens.

Meanwhile I have had it with the broker in Maine, she’s useless and unenthusiastic, she won’t even discuss the house i do want, but she also hasn’t bothered asking me what i liked about it nor suggested alterate houses. I didn’t fire her, i just stopped talking to her. I have a call into a broker who is a friend of a friend, and my broker HERE is still trying to reach out and touch someone.

The elephant in the room is ‘how much of a dick’ should i be about the little red house? how far will i go to TRY to get the damn thing and WHY? Part of my brain…remember those guys? feels very guilty about making things difficult for everyone including myself, and thinks i should just settle for some other house. (why does everything think i have STOPPED LOOKING? i am very well aware of every house under 150k from kittery to brunswick at this point) But the other part of my brain…and actually my heart, feet, hands, and various and sundry organs know that if i don’t TRY to get the house I want, i will always blame myself for not TRYING hard enough.

So i have decided to be a dick about it, at least for a while. I will hang on here for as long as I can, and when it becomes difficult or they ask me to leave, I will rent a house in Maine – until HUD lists the red house for auction and I can put in a bid. If i fail to get it…then so be it, THEN i will look for another house, but I need to make an attempt.

The painful think is that the day i start paying rent…the day I rent a storage unit to start moving my crap, i will have started spending the NEW money. The money that was earmarked for the purchase and renovation of the new house. Now granted it will take me quite some time before i spend enough to make a dent in the actual purchase price of the new house…what will be shrinking is the bowl of money that isn’t house related…i will be spending my cushion – any safety net will be blown through as soon as i waste the first twenty thousand. That’s what keeps me awake at night now. I need to start refilling THAT bowl of money, as soon as possible. I need to start spending the NEW money in ways that will bring in even NEWER money to replace it.

After a suspiciously warm day – I went to bed with the windows open…and woke up at 5 am with snow on the sills.  I had to close all the windows and turn on the heat just to crawl back in bed.  The chihuahua wouldn’t even come out from under the covers.   I took the picture of the view from my bedroom at 6am, just as the overcast sky was making the snow glow blue.  When I made a list of what i liked about this house….the two things that couldn’t be added to any other house…were the central location…and the view.  The little red house has both of those and a good start at all the other things on the list.  If i don’t make an attempt at getting a view I am have to live with for the next 20 plus years..then i don’t deserve to have one.


2014-04-14 12.10.05 A few years back when i had more disposable income, I actually took the time to print and frame a few of my images.  I had hung them up in the tenant hallway for safe keeping. That was about the time when i was repainting my kitchen which has the one wall in the joint capable of hanging frames – which means it didn’t have bookcases or wainscotting on it. Anyway, I left them up..not that they are any great works of art, but they are marginally more cheerful than blank walls. Mostly landscapes, some animal pictures and one portrait all in off the shelf mats and frames – total costs about $19 each. The new would be owners of the halls, walls and associated constructs have expressed their interest in the few bits and pieces of hallway furniture just for laziness sake. they didn’t ACTUALLy ask about the photos…we did joke about the cats going with the place, and i an certainly DOWN with that idea. But i am rather indifferent about the prints.

marion healed

My intentions are to give them away, aside from the portrait of my erzartz grandmother, none of them are worth the packaging for shipping. A 22″ glass and metal frame would need to be sandwiched between two pieces of corrogated cardboard and secured in plastic shipping tape, perhaps even having the corners reinforced – for each one of them…and THAT’s just to move them by hand myself, not entrusted to someone else’s handling. I have never managed to move quantities of framed items without losing one and the art usually pays the price not just the glass. And that’s for art i WANT to hang up – most of these are Local landscapes which may not have a place in the new house.

2014-04-14 12.52.07

A few times a year I get solicited for donations for charity art auctions… you give to them ONCE and you are on their list for ever….I  will usually donate one if I have the money to frame a replacement…but this year I told them just to come pick out the ones they want.  Of course they said they’d take them all, …well i’m not ready to give them ALL away to one organization. I think they can have 4 or 5,  the ones with wildlife I will be donating to the wild life rescue folks…i have some to donate the cat rescue people who have an auction in the fall…and so forth.

The only one I am going to take is the portrait of my fake grandmother..and even that i will take the print out of the frame… I have more frames….While i was cleaning the garage i found a handful of oak frames that had been squirreled away by my mother. Nothing in them, just old frames – all dirty and wretched….. she probably got them at a yard sale… i’m from a family of packrats. I put them in the shower and scrubbed them.   I will toss my Marion into one of those. She won’t mind she was fond of recycling.

2014-04-14 12.52.11 I have a few nice MAINE photos that I took eons ago…in fact i am told if you go to the new wing of the hospital in YORK Maine, you will find one of mine hanging there, i think i charged them $25 for it. But hopefully I will be shooting a lot more photos, and hanging those up. And since i don’t even have the walls to hang them on YET, i don’t know if all the sizes i have already printed will fit. So it is more better if i wait a bit, until all the painting and papering is done, and then decided on what frames get hung up where. I do know that I want to hang more art…more paintings by real people…so I will be keeping an eye out for such things… I can’t paint myself, but I do appreciate what others can do. it will be a hell of a struggle deciding what walls get bookcases and what walls get art – as any old bookseller will tell you… in a REAL old bookstore you will just find the art hung up in front of the books…now THERE’s A THOUGHT.

on the fence

2014-04-13 16.53.00I really need to stop whining about my life and just get on with it. But the difference between sunny warm weather and dark new england winter days is night and day. I started moving the stuff i want to take into the small garage. I did manage to clean off the porch a bit and started pulling stuff from the cellar….and i realized my idea of going with as little as possible was a pipe dream. the things that i am setting aside are kinda bulky – wheelbarrow, galvanized buckets, hoses, wooden lawn chairs, cat cages…the trunk in the picture is stuffed with things from my porch like small propane tanks, i may have to go through it again. But if I were to chuck it all, or even put it on freecycle, i probably have to replace it all. I am still struggling with individual things, but not as much as before…today someone picked up my mother’s chairs and was happy to get them. i have a few odd chairs I will bring, and a couple of small tables…in my head i think i will replace them down the line, but i know i probably won’t. If we scroll back to last September, when i was having delusions of being flush AND having a house at the same time…now i realize it is one or the other, never both…. i claimed i didn’t want a house full of used and antique furniture, all mismatched and picked off the curb like early frathouse decor. I still don’t mentally, but in my soul, i know I should just shut the fuck up and use what i have.

Last night I forced myself out of the house, and met up with a friend and her friends for a drink and a bite. I was a little old for the group, but they seemed to like my company and laughed at my jokes. At some point the coconut margarita kicked in and i realized that these thirty something couples living in their little one bedroom flats, would kill to be in my position, and i really needed to stop whining and get my shit together. As much as my mother hated this place and persecuted her second husband for convincing her to buy it. It really was a good idea – if we still only had the single family house we sold in 1976, my half would be infinitely smaller. If my brother wasn’t such an asshole I probably would have enjoyed living here more and been willing to stay, but that wasn’t what it was. The pair of them were the villains in my life and the further i get from them and this ‘mausoleum’ as my mother called it, the better off I will be. Or at least that’s the story I am sticking to.

Still no word on the sale of this house, which is becoming increasingly inconvenient – an influx of cash would be great right about now. I am no longer afraid I WON’T get the little house, i am just really upset that i will probably have to overbid to secure it, and not have as much capital leftover make the necessary in infrastructure changes I need.  All my fantasy spending aside, I will need to put a lot of cash into the house, just to get it to the  same occupancy level as the apartment I am in now:  Appliances, heat, laundry, screenporch, furniture…not to mention paint, paper, shelving..my god, all my crap needs shelving.  But that’s just more stuff for the list.

I did manage to get a couple of books moved from the unedited pile to the edited pile  - and i have started on a couple more.  The kid next door gave my computer a good scrub and it is now running Windows 7 and Indesign, we did the same thing for the Laptop but it decided it couldn’t handle it….so now the laptop is on my pile of shit to be repaired along with my digital camera and my favorite computer mouse…i should actually take all those things and put them in the bed of the Pick up truck that i can no longer drive and push them all into the river.

I just finished transcribing this funny little novel from 1904 which I THINK is a clever gentle comedy of manners, but I dont trust my own judgement anymore.  The Gordon Elopment (1904)  Takes a young Edwardian NY married couple who are sick of being descended upon by visitors so they just pack and get on the first train going north, and turn up at a practically empty summer resort in Maine. Soon they are joined by other young women and gentlmen suitors and dogs and wackyness ensues.   I wish I had other people I could impose to read this sort of ON THE FENCE titles.  i didn’t see enough Maine location wise to say ‘yes! this is great’ instead it was just a pleasant read that happened to be set in Maine.  So even though i went through the trouble of creating a nice clean text tile…it won’t be the first one I have set aside because there wasn’t enough THERE THERE.  Perhaps I am looking for brilliance where it isn’t, not everything is Jerome K Jerome’s Three Men in a Boat to Say Nothing of the Dog, yet I just keep looking for another one.


catwdrawers I finally took the time to add the pulls to this tiny chest of drawers i bought…when? last fall? I had figured I would strip it once i moved…but since that’s an unknown, i just threw the pulls on it, so i could finally use it.   Of course I had a little help from Walter, I blame him for the last one coming out crooked.

It is warming up here in New England, mud season is ending, snowdrops, and crocus are appearing. Debris and clutter we lived with all winter now looks unsettling. I moved all the cages off the porch and started storing stuff in the small garage. I even put a months worth of recycling out on the curb….albeit a week early. The city can go Eff themselves.. i am trying not to say Fuck…. 40 years of taxes and no city trash collection should get me a little consideration.

I spent some time studying the HUD Homestore website, where they give you all the information you need to bid on a home owned by HUD  - or rather have your broker bid for you…it seems rather simple…as long as you don’t get outbid. I downloaded their iphone app  to start monitoring it for the appearance of ‘THE HOUSE’ –trust me…you aren’t the only one wondering, what am i gonna do, if i don’t get that exact house?…essentially i will weep,  rend and wail, not bath for a month, eat gallons of ice cream, puke it up and eat circus peanuts, puke that up and then  take a shower and start looking for another one to fall in love with, just like a breakup—


Essentially I am voluntarily becoming a ‘housewife’….shocking.  I spent more time picking out this house than i did my exhusband, and if all the stars align right…it will bring me a lot more joy and be a lot more loyal than he ever was. And if get to spend the rest of my life with it, it will probably cost me the same amount of money.   I will just have to bid what I would have expected to pay a broker…. It’s not  like I have a runner up.  But that’s for later, if i think about it everyday until then, I will lose my mind.


Supposedly we had to sign the P&S this week for THIS house..but i have heard nothing, I guess no one has heard anything – i have no idea what to make of that. Lawyers are a passive agressive breed, i think they keep you waiting like Doctors, so by the time they decide to get around to you, you don’t waste the time you are paying for.

The whole “wait and see” thing is completely new experience for a control freak like me.  For good or bad,  I am usually the one causing shit to happen to me, not waiting for it to happen to me.  That’s one of factors driving me to move, so that I can continue to decide what course my life takes, not the bill collectors, or Himself  and Mrs. Himself.   I pulled up my credit report yesterday, it’s not good, but it’s not as bad as I figured.  I have lived without credit and paying cash for over 10 years, so long that there aren’t any outstanding debts on it,  the report is essentially neutral.   If I play my cards right, I will be debt free in that little house for a while, and if i can bring up my income, i can stay that way.

three choices

Parlor#14CAsk any woman of a certain age…and really all we fear is homelessness. We can suck up anything else…cancer, loss, poverty, bring it…but having no home to call your own scares us on a level we can’t even put into words. The closer we get to signing the purchase and agreement with the new owner, the more scared..scareder….fearful…more fightened…none of those work…it mostly like night terrors where you know your afraid, but you aren’t sure about what.
I know me…i am not in denial about anything, i know i suck at money, and i know regardless of how hard i work, i’m inherently lazy, i work just hard enough to allow myself to crawl up inside my head the rest of the time…and I know i am a control freak. What has always pissed me off about Himself and before him, Herself, is that could swoop into my life whenever they chose and roll a hand grenade into the room. Critiquing my lifestyle…if you can call it that, my housekeeping, my occupation – or lack thereof depending, and generally drive home the fact that they view me as pond scum, not fit to live in their house..and if i wouldn’t mind, crawling off and droping dead first chance i get, they would be grateful. I say all that so i can say this… i would rather be broke with a house than be flush with no house.

My Lawyer assures me that the new owner are fine, their lawyer is fine, everything is fine – and i should relax and stop worrying…..meanwhile I am sitting on the floor of the shower weeping into the drain – worrying is what i DO, it’s one of the skills my mother taught me: Bitching, Nagging and Worrying – she was an artisan. Good god, I wouldn’t want me as a tenant and until I buy THE House or any house, that’s what i will be the moment I take their money for my half of this place.. (i haven’t bothered to learn the new owners name..somehow that will make it more real.) I will be trading control of my residence to someone for money, i avoided giving Himself that control years, now I am giving it to a stranger.

I have three choices in front of me, In lieu of buying either the house i really want, or just any house for the sake of buying a house – I can rent a house in Maine, which is about a 1000 a month, plus putting a lot of my crap in storage $400 a month, and hiding most of my roommates – which is where it will get iffy. I thought I was moving with way fewer, but the adoption fell through on Sammy and charlie and I inherited my dead cousins cat which is for all intents and purposes unadoptable. He’s old and needs a pill twice a day..oh joy. Like I said, I would not want me as a tenant. This is a very expensive route to take…but i would get me into my new life faster and i could then wait for the house i want. If i were bringing in that kind of income every month i would do it in a heartbeat, but i am not as yet. Bottom line is i don’t want to start pissing through the ‘new money’ until I know what i will need to buy the house and then fix its innerds.

31I24mN70cLSecond choice is a huge step backwards and down the ladder….I still need to put most of my crap in storage, and move into empty room at a friend’s house – one room for me and all my roommates, plus my computer. I will have to buy some of those large storage containers to put in her basement so my Mail Order business won’t take the hit. But then changing my address to move to bumfuck New Hampshire for an undisclosed period of time is a dreadful idea. I would probably have to get rid of nearly everything I own to keep the storage unit costs down. Sure I will have some money in the bank, but this sounds like just unstoppering a bunghole on a vat of malmsey…just a big red hemorage.

The last choice is the least painful, and the one that relys on the most cooperation…to shelter in place…stay here as a tenant, which means reducing my footprint to an acceptable level. I can get all my ‘stuff’ into just the small garage and my apartment…and just pay rent on those two spaces. That’s tricky and sweaty but doable. I will have to surrender my workroom slash laundry, where my heaviest possesions are…industrial grade steel shelving. I can break it down and put it in the garage along with my boat and a few bicycles and the wooden windows i want for a greenhouse i may never have…and so forth. The Sicpress products for sale will have to come into my apartment which means I will be playing musical storage in here. I will swap the bedroom and the office since the bedroom has shelving for the products and room for all the cardboard and packing material…which is really what the laundryroom contains…mess. I will have to start using the laundromat, but at leasts i will have the quarters for it.

Right now that’s the plan, if i go with the last choice, the other two are still options waiting in the wings.  I was able to sleep last night and didn’t have a migraine for breakfast. I have kinda of resolved myself to let the universe play out its hand…which in 52 years of experience tells me, if i have set my sights on a making a new life that makes me happy, in a place that makes me happy, in a house that makes me happy, I will in the end get none of those things.  I just never do. I finally have the money to buy the house I want and the universe just moves it back across the table, until it is just out of reach of my fingers. And It may stay on that side of the table for quite some time, i don’t know. I do know that there are types of people in the universe who get the things they want, and those that don’t and it has nothing to do with lack of effort or deserving and apparently even money.

I made a list of all the bills i have to pay when the house check clears, and a few donations i want to make to organizations and a few people who have been good to me these last few years. It’s not a small amount but i knew it wouldn’t be, combine that with a new truck, new glasses and so forth and you can see I am already burning through the ‘new money’ and i don’t have it properly invested in a HOUSE. I wanted to buy the HOUSE first, so that the other spending wouldn’t have naught to do with it. But the universe has other plans – and i know its play..it wants to take the money away from me a little at a time, so in the end i won’t have either a home nor the money. The Universe is a son of a bitch.

musical storage

2014-03-29 02.53.23 My Wipebook arrived the other day…..it was a kickstarter I bought into last year. Basically a notebook made of whiteboard type cardstock. I thought it was a brilliant idea for people like me who make notes and such, but i can save a lot of paper with it. Scribble what i want to scribble and then shoot it with the iphone and then erase it. It was shipped with a Staedtler Correctable Pen, which is a marker that can be removed with the felt eraser but i don’t like the sharp tip, i think it makes dents in the cardstock. Dry Eraser markers work fine, but of course they will smudge with a sharp glance. So far its worked as described on the tin. I can scribble my ideas for the new house, or a list of all the programs on my computer before we replaced the hard drive. Then wipe it away and start over. clever huh?

2014-04-02 11.38.47

Scribbling ideaas for the new house was something i had put off until recently, and even now, this is the only one. I need to distance myself from my desires. The new information is that the house has not only changed hands from one bank to another, but has been transfered to HUD. I have no idea when I will be able to put an offer on it. I am sure the broker in Maine is sick of me as I am sure my broker here is sick of the entire process. Both she and my lawyer keep telling me to now worry, but how can i not? of everyone involved i am the only person whose life will be uprooted. I dred remaining here as a tenant, but seriously not as much as i would regret moving elsewhere as a tenant.. God knows no one would rent to me, not with the roommates, even the oness i will admit to. I certainly wouldn’t rent to me. Lately i have priced everything from storage spaces to house rentals. If i move to main and rent a house, i will be out the rent on the house, a lot of security deposit AND a storage space for what doesnt fit in the house. If i stay here, i may end up at odds, with the new owner and i’d hate to even up getting ‘evicted’ , i have one more choice which is awful and terrible…i have a room at a friends house in NH, but that means everything goes in a storage unit, and i have to figure out how to keep sicpress up and running while living in one room with all my roommates….yeah i know kill me now.

But not matter which choice i make, i need to further divest myself, so that i am moving the minimum amount of crap. There really isn’t much i can do about the work room in the basement. The steel shelving down there is worth more than money. It’s hard to replace. If i had to break it down and store it, i would have to bring all the products and packaging into the apartment. Tricky, but doable. I would have to move the office back into the living room and fix the lock on the office door. It’s all a lot of work. But if i could have just gotten my offer in on that goddamn house before it changed hands the last time. damn it.

spammed but i’m working on it.

I have narrowed down the malware infecting the website to the theme settings in the database. i have no idea how to fix it. I am searching for someone to hire.

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