acts of desperation

I am sliding back into a depressed state….not a sleep all day under the covers state, more of an ‘i can’t go forward and i can’t go back’ doldrum. I made an appointment to see a house’s not the house i love, but it’s one i like a little more than i dislike all the rest. It’s got the two halves of my brain fighting again…the one who KNOWS how much I actually make for a living, thinks it’s an awful idea, and the one who wants to get the hell out of dodge, is just desperate to buy a house, any house. It is selling for 121K with 3 bedrooms, unfortunately it’s a little bit of a fixer upper and is assessed at 184k which gives me a tax bill of 3400 a year. I will have to have it scoped out for any solar installation, but the lot is very green. It’s not as small a house and property as i fact i think just having the lawn mowed and the driveway plowed could be my undoing. If I was a real person with a real job and income this would be a no brainer..your getting an awesome property for a discount cause it has some fixable problems…but without a paycheck from an outside source, I doubt i can swallow all the costs involved with living in the house. I may have to start growing med cannibis to cover the tax bill.

12 Emerson Avenue I don’t know why I can’t sit patiently and wait for the house i DO want. The stress of thinking that something will happen to the money in the bank preventing me from buying ANY house is constant. That something is probably me.  To cheer myself up, i keep buying used dvds, I don’t know comfort and my company.   Summer being so bad business wise for me, isn’t helping. I made all of $3 yesterday…and i spent god knows what on gas to go to 53 miles to Ikea where they didn’t have any of the shelf I wanted even though the website says they did.  That wasn’t ALL THAT big a waste of money, i spent the day with some friends, so i am not that pissed, just annoyed..but if i HAD a house, i’d just build permanent shelves with wood from home depot. I’m having to make choices I thought i wouldn’t have to.

I don’t know why I am ready to give up on my dream house…I keep wondering is this part of the process? does ANYONE get the house they actually want? Does everyone have to settle? I haven’t had any feeling that they want me gone from this apartment, so i COULD stay here a bit longer, but will i miss out on a perfectly acceptable house because i want one I like a little better? The little red one certainly has more room for solar panels and looks easier to heat. What if i buy this one and it breaks me? and then the little one becomes available? Why the hell can’t anything be easy?Mose is shaping up nicely..but even once it goes online nothing will change until September, So i think we will skip ahead to the webpage…the all erasers all the time site is scaring me because it will be a lot of capital investment for not a lot of return yet…i see that as a steady trickle of a site, so until i get some capital coming in, I am very wary of more investment – even though i KNOW that the only way to increase my income is with investment. I wish i could hold an outside 9 to 5 job that i loved..but basically i would just be a minion exchanging hours of my life for relative pennies. I’ve tried that..over and over, i end up making everyone involved miserable. I need to find something i love that pays money and doesn’t suck the life out of me. I like selling shit on the internet..i get up at 5:30, process the orders and put them in the mail and the rest of the day is my own, which loosely translates to work on other chores to make money, and sift cat poop. The house I am looking at has the room for the business and the cats, yet it’s on a dead end with trees…not much room for solar, but i don’t have a nice clear view of the neighbors laundry lines. It’s a little TOO much house, but for someone who works at home it may be just enough to keep me from going mental.

I haven’t published any MAINE books yet… this one about a Moose from 1919 is near to finishing…cept my cover art is terrible. I need to hire someone to do my covers, but i am reticent about doing that since i will never get the money back until i have enough books to do point of sale racks. I wish i was artistic enough to do my own covers, but basically I’m a chimpanze..i can replicate anything I see…i just have no original ideas. I hope I don’t like that house tomorrow. I am probably going to make a mistake and try to buy it, knowing I can’t afford it, but I am desperate to start a new life.

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