an affordable view

viewI hadn’t thought about it. But i’m going to miss my view. When its not actively snowing I can see a couple of miles, that tower in the distance is over 2 miles away and the ones you can’t see are even further. It helps that i am on the hillside looking into the valley. I’m having a crisis of faith…Half my brain is rocking on her heels, screaming that i have made a huge mistake and trying vainly to figure out how to stop the sale of the house…ain’t gonna happen…i’d get sued. And the other other half is sweeping up all the odd corners of my skillset trying to figure out how to make a suitable living, so i won’t even up broke and back in debt again in a couple of years. That’s really the great fear…what happens when you give a junkie a large amount of drugs? they do them all at once and if they don’t overdose, they are looking for more fairly quickly. Since i have rarely have more than a couple of hundred dollars passing through my hands, i haven’t had the chance to overdose, but whenever i have had a couple of thousand it never seemed to last long. I pay a few bills, replace a few things that need replacing, have a couple of take out dinners and its all gone again. Does that mean that i will do the same with 5 figures or 6? how long will that last in my hands? will i spend every day making excuses? oh i need new boots, oh well lets go antique shopping for no apparent reason, lets troll ebay because i’m bored…will that happen? will i make bad decisions? will i put money into my businesses and watch them collapse and then have to start over and over…and over… what happens in 4 years when i am broke again, just in a different location. This does keep part of my brain busy as hell.

Screenshot 2014-01-19 15.27.29

I have been trolling the house listings over and over again, its become a nervous habit…i have looked at all the abutting towns, and started looking at houses not even yet for sale. The idea of overspending on the house and then now being ‘house poor’ is breaking my spirit. The idea that a house i can afford will be boxed in, by houses, even by trees, and looking out the window everyday will depressed me more than i already have experienced. Of course you know this is all insane, because for all i know my house could be on the market for months and months, and then when the hammer falls on the sale, i will have to choose quickly from what’s available and then be stuck somewhere i hate. I’m loosing a lot my moving, not just the property…i’m loosing my island, my view, my safety net, my security blanket. I don’t want to take the chance of moving someplace joyless.

This house isn’t on the market yet, just bank owned. I like the view from the road, I bet I will like the view from the deck. And whatever room faces south…that’s going to be my bedroom.Screenshot 2014-01-19 15.54.23

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