Did nothing of any report yesterday…. I picked up a bit of an ear ache,  so i couldn’t be bothered with anything more complicated than watching American Pickers and Mythbuster reruns all day.  I had been working on something in my head all weekend and it had basically kicked my ass. I had to drop off the 100 cash i owed Lawyer4 this morning, and i was obsessing with the idea of adding a cover letter with the things important to me, that had NOT be covered during the consult. Like the fucking gas bill, one of the top three reasons I am moving…never got mentioned last week…and my brother’s penchant for retribution….two rather big honking deals to me.  So of course the voices in my head had something to chew on for a day or so…. I hadn’t realized i was clenching my jaw the entire day until i wrote the draft, probably the source of the ache.

Composing the note stressed the hell out of me, I tried to avoid just making a laundry list of my brothers offenses, yet trying to qualify my justification for my fears – it was a careful balance which i hope explained WHY i am completely and utterly paranoid and yet haven’t moved out.  He really has no qualms about harassing me and trying to get me to leave.   He took my name off the deed once, if i wasn’t here i am sure he’d have done it again.  Aside from that, if Lawyer#4 truly thinks he can get back my half of the house income…then why the hell am I still living in fear of the gas company?  For good measure I also included a current CV, which i did over this morning.  I really don’t want this guy to think I am some sort of unemployed indigent crazy person….even though the difference is not self-evident.

winterfood I hand delivered the envelope with 100 dollars and the letter, before i did the monthly trip to the dump with the building’s recycling and a short trip to the grocery store for the basic ingredients for winter food. Potatoes sliced with ham ends for a casserole, chopped with cod and dairy for fish chowder, brown bread, ravioli….it was basically a basket full of carbohydrates. I am trying to scratch cook as much as possible. I expect to be doing a lot more of scratch cooking when I get to Greenfield. Not that I mind, I did have done it for years, and hopefully without all the outside distractions, I will have time to do more of it.  It is one of my favorite benefits of working at home, to start cooking in the morning and then go work at my desk until the smell  reminds me that I have something on the stove.

I realize the 100 dollars is just representative of a contract to Lawyer4, and not REALLY actual dollars,  but i sure as hell could use that 100 dollars for much more vital monthly expenses…like cat food and gasoline etc… just another reason to keep grinding my teeth.  It always takes me longer to shop broke, than it does when i am flush. I have to decided which things are absolutely essential and which things I will stock up on when I sell the house…(don’t get me wrong I have food in the long term storage, so starvation is never likely)   The stress of living lean knowing that the bounty is coming is much worse than living poor everyday.    Now, I know how the Nigerian princes feel, I am GOING to get a big lump sum, someday, somehow…but until then i’m still pulling coins out of couch cushions I don’t have.

Today I can finally get back to working on new publications.  My calendar is pretty clear for the next couple of weeks, except i have to create the program for the Cat Rescue group yearly silent auction….. gratis of course….these are the folks who have told me i am shit out of luck for finding homes for the cats that i rescued in their name.  But I still have to swallow their shit until I sell the house, they are my emergency back up for cat food and medical emergencies.   I had every intention of giving them a thousand dollars a cat for every cat they could take into their shelter. (i told you i have no sense of money) but they really don’t seem to want to help me at all.  So I am expecting to make the same offer to any area rescue group.  I have three cats in my house that really should be living in a barn or a sanctuary, but for some reason all of the groups I have ever done favors for, are suddenly very busy with their own concerns.  I have always thought that if you help others, then it comes back to you when you need it.  And I am trying very hard not to unlearn that lesson.  And I am certain once I start throwing money at the problem, someone will find some room somewhere – as long as its not me.


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