Archive | humor

liqour, fireworks, and mosqitoes (was trucking fuck)

towtruck How bad is it that i HAVE images like this one in my harddrive? If i had thought about it, i could have taken this again yesterday etc… All the hours and miles I have burned on my truck for the US Census is coming back to bite me in the ass. If i sit down and did the math, between the gas, oil and repairs, no wonder i have no money and not made a dent in the utility bills. Over the last couple of weeks my mechanic has been chasing a problem with the ignition in my truck. I have been having to start it with a screw driver. And we knew what it wasnt… not the alternator, not the solonoid etc… ut was actually the shift cable as I discovered the other day… He rigged something temporary, and this  jerry rig gave out yesterday between the laundromat and the thrift store.

I had picked up a new featherbed at the Thriftstore and had squished it down into the passenger seat with the laundry…as i drove out of the lot it inflated like an errant life raft blocking my side vision, causing me to immediately pull into the Target parking lot. I jumped out with the intention of putting the feather monster into the bed of the truck. but it was still moving… I climbed back in and jammed my foot down on the brake. where it stayed for the next hour and a half while i waited for Triple A to come and claim me.

So, I am sitting in the truck cab, with no fan, no a/c in the roadway of the Target parking lot – all the while with my foot holding the truck in place. Mentally i was going through everything in my truck weighing its possibility as a chalk and how fast it would take me to get the item and put it behind the wheel before it rolled backwards any further. MEANWHILE, as I sit there my brain boiling and my facemelting, my cellphone battery draining away, I am getting dirty looks from nearly every driver, and every so often a helpful white trash asshat would scream at me…”not a parking space, asshole!” After the 1st hearty relief “Fuck You!” i lost heart to even defend my helpless self. Like a tortoise in a roadway. Do they think I WANTED to be there? Even as a quickie parking spot it left much to be desired. If i had my druthers I would have choosen a spot under a tree. I would have at the minimum been in the fire lane.

The tow kid was clever and helpful enough to crawl under the truck and move the gear from park to drive, allowing me to start the truck and escape to the garage. My mechanic spent the next few hours ‘fixing’ fixing it with the correct part. He’s one of those guys who lets me slide until the next payday, but i went through the dirty clothes pockets and found him a decent downpayment, cause i hate owing money to actual people. But I got it back in time for me to get to the vet clinic’s cookout in time for liqour, fireworks, and mosqitoes.

what i should have known before i learned

So i woke up in at 4 am the other day  and started typing…i had this idea for another ‘book’ — i don’t know why i insist on putting book in quotes or calling them anything else.  But i’m a tech writer i LIKE writing instructions, and my brain thinks BOOKS should be something more than that. Whatever..i started typing an outline for a book of information i wish i had when i was 17/18.  Stuff that i had to learn along the way, and felt like a goof for not knowing.     it started off with stuff like Change a tire, balance a checkbook and has spun out of control into something a bit more.  right now a lot of chapters are blank,  i did have some material i could work into it.  But I am doing a lot of stream of consciousness typing to get it on the page.  I have a lot of researched practical information to work into my opinionated text.

Working retail bookselling for 15 years and then all my crappy oddjobs I got to see a lot of X gen, Y gen and millenials….They are hitting the market and still living in mom’s basement comfortably playing with their WII and W.O.W. , while having absolutely no intention of changing their lifestyle just because a calendar is telling them to grow up.  Fine.  So far the working title of my next book is called ‘How to Fake Being an Adult’  at least that’s the title it has right now.  When I get to the end It may have another but I’m partial to that one.

This section I wrote a few minutes ago – it’s just a draft.  But you get the idea of what i’m writing:

Drinking — Adults don’t like drunks, not tipsy, not I’m-gonna-be–sober-in-two-hours but flat out everything’s funny, including breaking things drunk. Drinking is fine,  for most people it is a pleasurable social exercise, but overdrinking is frowned upon.  

  • Adults view drunks as a problem. Adults don’t like problems.
  • Drunks can’t be controlled or predicted, they have surrendered their judgment.
  • They are hazardous and break things by accident.
  • They are potentially dangerous, not just driving.
  • Drunks can hurt themselves and not even realize it.
  • Someone has to elect to ‘parent’ them until they are back into a safe environment, hopefully their own home. 
  • Congratulations you have now ruined your evening and everyone elses.

 Find your limit, stay under it.  Hit it and stop.

If you and your friends are having a great evening IN, sitting on the floor drunkenly solving the problems of the world. Great. Take responsibility for your condition. Sit or sleep there until you are sober.  They won’t mind.  Hosts are responsible for the condition of the guests.  Overserving, can bite them in the ass too. 

My last two Digital Books are still selling nicely for absolutely free at Smashwords.  Between the two of them they have over 150 downloads. You would think that would translate into some reviews …but it doesn’t. Sooner or later I will mark them to .99 cents which should slow down the downloads considerably.  But I was hoping I would have a few reviews.

old dark house

It’s that time of year…time to get shut up in an ‘old dark house’ during a torrential storm, along with a house full of loonies. Old Dark House..one of the more obscure James Whale productions is well worth watching..over and over. I wish i had more like minded friends…i’d throw a theme party a la Rocky Horror Picture Show…. the film has marvelous dialogue just ripe for quoting out of context….”No beds! they can’t have any beds!” and there’s a scene around a meal which fit in perfectly with the concept…”Have a potato!” “thank you i should love potato!” …we have constant wind and rain, a few merry musical rhymes, and a pyromaniac, ….”we make our own electric light here…and we’re not very good at it, don’t be alarmed if they go out all together.” so we have flickering electric lights, and candles.. we could use spray bottles to spray people in the face when they get a line wrong. Hey… i have a sick sense of fun.

MY DVD player died…i did a necropsy and there was no saving it. …i went without one for a week…still don’t have the money to replace it, but some generous soul gave me a very decent one…i am trying to make up for lost time with my Halloween viewing. It doesn’t seem to have an all region unlock, so i will end up buying another one eventually. can’t have all my UK DVDs go to waste. Funny how i want to watch some of these MORE now that I can’t, than before when I could.

Another thing I’d buy if i had more money was a copy of the original book. The film is one my 10 favorite films and I generally buy the books that go with such things. The internet does make things hard to come by sometimes.

Halloween’s coming..so it a tropical storm named Sandy…the CERT team has yet to be activated to the appropriate preparations needed for setting up shelters and such…i tried kickstarting it with the Mayor’s office but now that the police chief has CERT under his boot, he’s not interested in what anyone thinks. which at first bothered me a lot..but last night I let it go, i will just drop out. I have plenty to keep me busy. And in this particular storm…who knows i may be busy keeping myself afloat anyway.

I’m going to batten down my own hatches and keep the homefires burning..figuratively. no pyromaniacs here.

TEDtalk : Chip Kidd book designer

every morning while i am waiting for the migraine meds to kick in i put a TED talk or three on the box. THIS one is particularly good. i wonder how long it will take me to watch them all?

My old faithful coleman cooler

coleman cooler To divert myself from my own problems, i am working on someone else's. A friend of mine who rescues wildlife and wolf/dog hybrids has a chance to rescue one that is in east bumfuck US...Kansas...i KNOW! middle freaking america where i NEVER go..sorry america but if i get away from a coastline i get vertigo..regardless there is a good chance he can be transported at least half way which would be Columbus OHio which i COULD deal with since it's just far enough to run back to West Virginia or Pennsylvania if i get Dizzy. Needless to say I am going on this road trip if it kills me, i finally found temporary accommodations for the dogs and the kittens..the kid upstairs will take the kittens in their cage..yeah..i dont' expect them to spend much time in their cage either...and someone who wants me to do a serious favor for them offered to take at least ONE dog..i may be able to get them to take the little one two.. what's a chihuahua between friends right? The rest of the circus can wreck my house again, i don't care. Animal Control will come in and make sure no one has lit fire to the bed. But i only expect to be gone 48-72 hours unless there is BAIL involved..as we have seen even if someone DIES i am usually back in two days. Which brings me back to OLD faithful - a little red coleman cooler I bought in college... i never take a road trip without her. I probably should have started making the mileage on her..but it's about 30 years too late. As it is, some of the vinyl and paper stickers have given up the ghost only the old technology of water activated decals have remained intact. Having the level of OCD that i have, i immediately went online and ordered a few to replace them. I don't mind the rust acne, that's part of the patina..but two bottom corners are ruptured so THAT i have to fix. coleman cooler Times like this i DO LOVE the internet. Like nearly all major name brands there are fan clubs and collectors out there...it took me all of 5 minutes (which is a fucking long time in Internet speak) to find the Coleman Collectors forum. I am still reading through the posts and there isn't too much how too about this sort of injury. Since her interior is in great shape, she can still do her job. I have a newer HUGE steel belted that i use on large scale emergencies, (usually it holds book deodorizer for sale) but I would prefer to keep on using this red one as long as i can, hinges, handles and latches are all replaceable...from what i read even if the lining is fakakta (yiddish for fucked up) you can gut it and use it to store lanterns..or so they say. The corner on the other hand is a problem. its a little rusty in there, so i banged on it and shook out the rust. I will run some oxalic acid bath through it and get as much rust out as possible before i try to seal it. and the sealing it is going to be an experiment it has no marks about what sort of plastic it is made with. some adhesives just don't adhere to plastic..but there is such a thing as PLASTIC WELDING..go figure.. I am now reading through INSTRUCTABLES about plastic welding techniques. I don't need to get it fixed before the roadtrip..i don't expect it to be flooded out..though with my trips you never know...but i will put it on my list of projects to work on in winter time. for the roadtrip, all she got was a magic eraser scrub down, inside and out, and in a few minutes i will armor-all her exterior. Which i advise for plastics and electronics..useful stuff, that silicon spray stuff. I will post more about the road trip..i am the official documentarian of the thing - i am bringing all my cameras, cables and a shit load of batteries. We need to turn this into a fundraising event for the Wolf Adventure I am not shitting you THAT's what the wildlife rescue is called.

Pointless Pursuit: My Year of Picaresque Personal Ads

POINTLESS PURSUIT: MY YEAR OF PICARESQUE PERSONAL ADS is a first book by author C. W. Shain, now available in paperback and digital editions.

A petty act of revenge in the form of a droll online personal ad generated appreciative fan mail, turning the author’s head, and leading to this, an embarkation on a year-long project of writing and posting story-style “personals” on Cragislist. Readers have described these vignettes (with admiration) as byzantine, ridiculously obscure, and slapstick. A true parody of the genre, filled with historical trivia and tinted by a nostalgia for the past, this folie a deux of fiction and fact mixed up to surrealist proportions will leave you breathless and bewildered, but happy to have been along for the ride.

[amzn_product_post]

unbirthday

a friend of mine is experiencing the wonder that is her 50th birthday and as i discovered on my 30th birthday, you may not WANT an actually happy fucking birthday party, you also can’t let it go unacknowledged trust me that kinda shit will fester.

so i came up with the idea of doing an ‘unbirthday’ party for those of you who didn’t read Lewis Carroll – an Unbirthday Party is according to the mad hatter any party that happens on a day that isn’t anyone’s birthday – or ‘any reason to have a party’ party.

don’t worry she doesn’t read this blog, the dinner party next Saturday, she knows about already, just the details are a secret.   my ideas are completely deconstructionist….. i am going to make a chocolate layer cake….something with raspberry jam in the layers served upside down along with a hammer..still need to find a hammer. I figure she can smash it up and we can mix in some coolwhip and pudding to make a trifle.
the trifle along with a very mixed up salad will be served in 1.97 dishpans from walmart. We use them for washing surgical instruments at the spay/neuter rescue clinic, and it was about time to buy new ones anyway. for an entree i have an idea about a big bucket of chicken nuggets, chicken wings and chicken tenders all mixed up with the sign that it is a chicken dinner with some assembly required. hey..it was funnier in my head, but it’s finger food so that’s all you need to know.

I’m also requesting that people wear a hat of some sort, preferably something that makes them look silly. with me that isn’t hard, but i just thought it was an appropriate nod to the mad hatter – NOT a nod to those fucking red hatted – when i am old i shall wear purple wimmen. How is a crowed of women all wearing the same clothes in any way a celebration of anything aside from their uniformity.

it is summer somewhere

I am bribing myself again… off and on i have a hankering for a tiki bar….but if i lie down the idea will go  away.  I just seems like a good time of year to bribe myself for motivation.  IF i manage to get rid of certain cabinets in my living room and some of the crap on my porch…i told myself i will build myself a tiki bar.    now IF i had money to burn…and a reason to build such a thing, i could just drop 400 dollars on the ready made one you can buy and have delivered.  But since I don’t… i am thinking of the one made of PVC on Intructables.com    I may have to design an even more stripped down version as i think may want to keep it on the porch and loan it out.  what’s a tiki bar that doesn’t get used right?

Like I said…it’s just a tiny idea in the back of my mind for a mud colored february in a winter that doesn’t end.  If i THINK about this too hard the idea crumbles under the weight.  do i want to spend more than a couple of hours building this?  do i want to spend more than say 50 bucks?  and how often am i going to use it?  when’s the last time someone came to my house anyway?  hence the reason to make it portable..like a club house.

I am just dying to hang one of those stuffed parrots that takes batteries and pour myself a boat drink.  Like I said…it’s a bribe. if i make it to the summer without driving straight into a cement wall … and keep all the utilities from being shut off…and get rid of half of the crap in my living room and porch..technically i have to get rid of HALF of what’s there and an additional amount equal to the volume of the tiki bar.  THEN i can think about actually building this…..it’s the adult version of a lemonade stand 5 cents!

In reality the urge to build something as elaborate as a tiki bar..which really belongs in a dorm room will wear off as the weather gets better.   and I may just satisfy the urge by buying a tikimug off ebay.

 

 

live the stereotype

I hate January…every year i am forced to huddle in my apartment bundled to the eyeballs trying NOT to get sick. The number of Januaries i have gotten bronchitis or worse outnumber the number of Januaries where i have managed to stay well. I have never understood it and it actually took a few years to notice the pattern.

Perhaps it is a combination of the dry inside air with the cold outside air..one year i decide to deny it completely and that was the year I got pneumonia instead. If I don’t cower inside swaddled clutching a mug of something steamy to my face…i develop bronchial problems so bad that in my delirium i have been known to get dressed and drive…i have only empty Wendy’s containers on the kitchen counter as evidence but that’s pretty convincing. Once New Years i drove to the Emergency…or at least i think i did, I don’t remember.

One of my favorite acquisitions in recent years was this pristine Polo black watch flannel robe, from the thrift store of course, before i owned it, i would have never rationalized spending $50 on a robe, now i would replace it in a heartbeat if it were to die on me. Mine of course didn’t come wrapped around a beautiful man, but still… Of course this is all just the armor of the work at home fashion victim along with woolen socks and elastic waisted pants. It is a damn sight more presentable than the subcultural touchstone Michael Douglas’s chenille robe from Chabon’sWonderboys. I still need a pair of fingerless gloves to ease typing in the cold, but it is enough that i have parked a space heater next to my chair and warm my fingers on it from time to time.

what was i thinking?

Well i know what i was thinking, but i don’t think i should have been thinking what i was thinking. One of the vet techs i work with is going to vet school in the Caribbean and several of the rescue clinic folk want to stay in touch with her.

I was actually picking up a webcam for a friend of mine to reimburse me, so we could use it at the clinic, and it felt funny

to be buying only one for her, so after two weeks of reading reviews and recommendations I decided on The Logitech C310 which comes highly recommended and moderately priced. Not expensive that i felt guilty but not too cheap that i would think it a waste of money.

Don’t get too excited, I will have to work up to producing full face videos, I got a double chin and stringy grey hair neither of which i have seen in a while.

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