collage age

No one told me there was arts and crafts involved in funerals…..someone at the funeral home asked if we would be making a collage…and i’m thinking how hard can that be, really.

How to make a collage

  • Step 1 – Locate the box of pictures…last seen in an nondescript white box on the top of an armoire of a home that was disassembled 2 years ago. This can take many days, be sure to begin before ‘the end’ or you may not complete the project until it is over.
  • Step 2 – Find the most recent photograph to give undertaker a decent chance of coming remotely close, this can be quite difficult if your subject has been camera shy for the last 20+ years.
  • Step 3 – Remember which piece of furniture you stored the cache of foam core behind, look behind at least 3.
  • Step 4 – find pretty paper without cat hair to wrap said foam core
  • Step 5- remove cat from work area. repeat steps 4 and 5 as often as needed.
  • Step 6 – Timed exercise: scan and restore as many photographs as you can find where the subject isn’t holding their hand over their face like a mob boss – out of focus images are allowed for this event – this can take a while especially if there are a 100 containing the 1st dead husband and only 2 containing the still living second husband.
  • Step 7 – Spread out all chosen photographs on the available surface, be sure to make as large a mess as possible so as to become overwhelmed with the task
  • Step 8 – Find beer. consume beer. rinse, lather and repeat.
  • Step 9 – Put entire project on hold and drive to a number of stores seeking the no stickem poster putty. Buy something in each store so that the final price of poster putty is 1.65 plus $20 for each store visited – bonus if the number exceeds three.
  • Step 10 – Get sick of the entire project and stick all the photos on as quickly as possible with one hand while holding cell phone to your ear taking condolence calls.
  • Step 11 – Beg borrow or steal largest enclosed portfolio to carry it because pictures continue to pop off everytime it is moved.

The end

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