crazy cat lady chrismas

So all the magical mystery papers got signed late Monday night…me in my lawyers office and my sister in law at their lawyers office..only it wasn’t their lawyers office, it was the bank’s lawyers office….so they didn’t get a legal bill for $1000 for the privilege of adult supervision. And nothing happened…and a grand total of nothing will keep on happening for quite some time. For me it’s just more waiting…cept a little more cleaning and lot more packing i expect. I have creatively envisioned my life after the house sale about 100 times by now, so there is very little left on that front. I know what low flow shower head i want to buy and what tools i need to build the bookcases in my bedroom. Now I just need a fucking house to buy. And I REALLY want the one with the Carriage house and porch and 1.5 acres…the more i look at it, the more similar it becomes to my house i have now…cept without the tenants, the bills and the baggage. IF ONLY.

283445_1196_42I have managed to talk myself into buying a larger house, if only because that one is cheap enough…but among all the things i WANT to do in my new place, all the projects i want to finish, all the business interests i can explore…and I am still hoping i will get house guests. Personally i think the coast of Maine is more likely to get visitors than western Mass.

I haven’t  had anyone over to dinner in this place in about 12 years back when i squeezed 5 rooms of furniture into three….as things progressed and furniture was squeezed out by bookcases and bookpresses… It was just never something i had time for…It would take about 3 hours to clean the place to my satisfaction. It was just just easier not to bother. The more i worked at home, the less homelike the place became.

The voices are in agreement about the new place….try to keep things segregated…the overflowing books, computer equipment and materials are going to stay locked in whatever room is the office. And a guest room for overnight visitors needs to be pet free, if only because i don’t want to clean it all the time. The work tools will be in a workshop not a kitchen cabinet and when i take apart a broken box fan it won’t be on the kitchen counter, etc etc…

Without anything better to do, the voices have been number crunching  – one of them is fussing about spending too much on repairs and renovations and the other is whining about what if we spend too much money on the furniture –  remember i don’t have any right?   Then the 1st one comes back and tells the 2nd one to suck it up and fill the house with hand me downs as we have been doing for the last 15 years… then the 2nd one goes off weeping and wailing.   Before i had settled on a bigger house, it had taken me MONTHS to get them both to agree on an ikea-esque scheme.    Now I can’t fill up a big old house with ikea, it will look like a dorm room exploded.    they finally compromised on a plan, the upstairs bedrooms and where people can’t see, we use the Parawood-some-assembly-required-cheap-but-not-TOO-cheap-furniture.  But for the living room we spend real money on ‘the good stuff’  – Seems to me that’s a sensible answer.

First  I need practice at something I have never been able to master in 50 years… you have seen when i make my mind up for something, i want it…thinking that if i get it faster it will make me happier.. what’s “i want instant gratification and i want it now!”  in latin?  that should be my motto.  I think the fear is that if i don’t get it while i am thinking about it, something will happen to prevent it.  Plenty of plans have blown up in my face and contributed to that knee jerk reaction.


It seems i have tossed out Greenfield for a number of reasons, Biddeford still isn’t calling to me like Greenfield was – but then i haven’t investigated it, spent hours trolling the streets with Google Street View, turned it upside down and looked at it from every angle…as yet. personally i think i am just a little spent.  I am on the downside of the endorphin rush that came with the thrill of moving someplace new, now it just seems i have had that ride and now I just  want to be docked someplace.

I wrote this the day before Christmas and i put it aside…not that i did anything on Christmas, cept eat badly and watch television… but i was trying to figure out WHY i am so stressed about having house guests in the new digs.   I can go a week here without seeing or hearing from anyone….I don’t have them now, what makes me think i can entice people to come visit me by adding a one hour drive?   The only conclusion i can come to is, that i am afraid of becoming the crazy cat lady who never leaves her house.  I am teetering on the edge now…add 72 miles  and it wouldn’t take much to push me over.


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