death by ginger

1495517_10152268029960312_2015471455_nI have nearly finished with all my ‘holiday’ obligations, i made up this ‘Death by Ginger’ cake/torte thingy for the cat ladies xmas party.  I liked it though as i feared without the Ginger liqueur it was too dry for me, it needs to swim in whipped cream. I like to cook or at least i used to when i had kitchens larger than a closet. In this one I make scaled down recipes that can be cooked and eaten over the sink. Over the years i have culled my kitchen ware down, but if i were staying put, it could be considered excessive. I have a lot of things i have found that fit my cooking lifestyle yet don’t take up much room…and works with a kitchen composed of a hot plate and a large toaster oven. The idea of having a larger kitchen is enticing. As i was cooking i was surpised that i didn’t find one thing in all the cupboards that i am not taking with me, and i have only about 4 things on a list that i will buy when i move.

The two holiday dinners i did attend were with the two groups of people i can  classify as ‘friends.’ Both groups are filled with generous and caring people, but no one i see or talk to on a regular basis, basically i will have to be dead two weeks before any of them would hear about it. I’m not being callous about these friendships, some folks i have known for many years, but lately i have had to concentrate and deconstruct all of my relationships….Am i being self indulgent by moving away? what am i giving up, will i be losing anything that i would miss? if i moved into southern new hampshire closer to most of them, would my relationships change? And if they did, would that be worth losing the chance to change my life for the better in other ways? Don’t get me wrong just MOVING will change my life for the better, if only for the immediate future. But I need to be certain about my decision.


I also lost an aunt this week, to be fair i wasn’t really sure she was still alive. She was no longer in the Merrimack Valley, and lived a good long life with many spawn. But it only reminded me that i really have no familial ties here, i have 2 aunts and 1 uncle left in the area and i only see them at funerals. These are all folks i grew up with, whose kids are off spawning elsewhere. I could be living on the moon and those relationships won’t change. Essentially i will be as alone elsewhere as I am here. Though i have had a few folks swear they will visit me, perhaps i will end up seeing some peope MORE than i do now.

Regarding Maine v. Mass, Iwas avoiding doing as much research on Biddeford as I did for Greenfield, but finally had to do it.  Indeed most of the things i liked about Greenfield, can be seen in Biddeford. A progressive government, and populace trying to actually improve things, though the downtown as a bit of a crime problem, thats not a deciding factor for me. I rarely own anything worth stealing.

I am leaning very hard towards 1.5 acre the farmhouse i have my eye on.  It is the complete and utter opposite of what i had convinced myself that i needed.  It is essentially the house i wanted 20 years ago when i got married.  Old and large full of possibilities.  It has the outbuilding, i want, the porch i want,  it has vinyl siding, it has enough roof for solar panels etc. this would all save me money in the long run.   The space alone, the barn and the property, cause one of the voices in my head to work overtime just LISTING all the possible moneymaking opportunities.  Which brings us back around to the local history publishing arm of my business.   IF i go to that area of Maine…my tiny little side business will have the potential to be the main source of income instead of the sidebar.

The other voice in my head is rocking on her heels, just chanting ‘it’s too big, its too big’ over and over.  You can’t blame it, over the last 10 plus years every project or business venture I have tried has not worked out.  Technically nothing i can put my finger on, ‘FAILED’ at least not from lack of research or because it was a bad idea.  But projects have sort of withered and died, because putting my effort into it, meant that i had to live off the proceeds, limiting how much money I could put into the project.  No matter what i tried, i always end up back where i started from broke.

If i throw money at SicPress book repair products, and restock all the items i want to carry,…if i set up another work bench and a video camera and reshoot all the how to videos I want to do. I am certain that part of my business will be profitable…IF i didn’t have to live off the tiny margin until it got going.   Same thing with the local history publishing…… without some capital i cant even afford to order copies of some of my books unless i have a customer willing to preorder it.  Indeed…my plan was sound…put spinning racks in point of sale locations…the racks themselves cost $120, filling it with books costs at least $200-300.   ONLY then can i plunk it down someplace so the books will sell and i will get money to buy more books to refill the rack. Another business i can’t exploit.  I can go back through at least 4 other business ideas, that just sort of crumbled under the weight of trying to live off the proceeds while it grew.

I am giving myself 3 years – within 3 years i will have to be bringing in an income that can pay for the lifestyle and replace the money invested.  I figure the house and the improvements i will need to do to it, will cost me about 60% of what i will earn from the sale of this house.  At least i hope it won’t cost more than that.   I will need to spend about 10K  just on housewares…that’s including appliances and basic furniture.  Obviously i need to keep as much in the bank as possible for the future,  but i can certainly invest 10K into something that has a steady return…such AS a greenhouse, if i want.  Heck i could even rent a room to a UNE student if they don’t have pet allergies.  There are a lot of ways for me to make a little income at this and that.  As long as I put all my efforts into the publishing and distribution…

These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night…do I be ultra conservative and buy the tiniest house without any extra rooms, extra land or space, and not spend any money on anything else? or do i make some prudent investments in things i think i can keep up with.  As we all know i am basically lazy and prone to fits of depression. Will that change?  Will not having money woes for a little while change  things so i can actually accomplish some of the things i want?

What would i be doing right now if i were already elsewhere?  Right now next year? with all the bills being paid, and my brother’s terrorism a fading memory…. i’d be sitting with my laptop on a couch in a living room working on a series of maine history books that i can get into gift shops in the spring of 2015.  That’s it…yes my house would be larger and less squalid with more rooms and doors. There will be fewer cats with the couple going away, but i do want a dog larger than the chihuahua so pound for pound it will even out.  But the day to day work won’t really change, it just won’t be accompanied by mountains of stress which i think gets in the way of my actual productivity.  At least that’s what i am going to put my money on.  Otherwise what’s the point?  I can buy a tiny squalid house in southern  New Hampshire, within arms reach of the friends i have now.  I will piss away the money i have just paying property taxes and in a few years i will be in the same place i am now, but without the large cushion in the bank.

If i put my mind to it, i can talk myself into nearly anything.  Even if they don’t agree, the voices usually cancel each other out and I end up doing what i want anyway.  And who knows what else the universe will present to me on the way?  I would like to do a lot more baking in the new place.  The smells alone are inspiring.


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