double wide

the longer it takes to get the house listed and sold and move on with my life, the more time i have to rethink all my choices…i  have spent days and weeks rethinking everything from ‘am i making a mistake selling the house’  to am i making a mistake just getting rid of my 19year old truck?    this is what happens inside my head..the longer i spend just spinning my wheels, the further back i fall. I spent most of the week wrapped up in thick layer of pure self-pity.

I had a nice Thanksgiving with the wolves and folks up in Goffstown and I got to hear how cheap the double wide trailers are going for up in New Hampshire….oo baby..someone kill me now. Moving to New Hampshire, trailer or house, even if i manage to save money, i think i will be broke in about 5 years. I need the social and economic advantages of moving to Greenfield Mass. The only other place i would have considered was southern Maine, but it is now to expensive for me to live there. I need someplace that is intellectually welcoming but still economically on the downside so i can afford it.

The Linden St house in Greenfield is not ideal by any means but its the only one for sale right now that i can visualize, without it to think about it, I have panic attacks. But then i have them anyway, since the house has been reduced a couple of times and i am still no closer to having a positive bank balance. Even the refinancing paperwork has been delayed, that was supposed to be signed this week and it was supposed to bring me 2500 in short term money.

There really is no more planning i can do. I’ve picked out the Ikea cabinets, the furniture for the bedrooms, the dining table, designed bookcases, chosen tile and linoleum, planned to put a shed roof on the garage to accomodate south facing solar panels, figured out where to extend the porch and add the yard fence for the dog i don’t have. I do regret starting to pack cause my living room looks like shit and i feel like my house is more cluttered than ever before.

Someone local is coming to look at the trailer tomorrow…he already said he can’t offer what i am asking but that’s to be expected. At this point I really will take anything more than what i paid for it. I am running a negative bank balance, and the car insurance is overdue. Even when my royalty check comes in this weekend, it is really just going to dampen the bottom of the bank account.

Things year are spiraling down further than it has been in quite a while. It started with the Census Job costing me money instead of making it for me, so that i now owe the mechanic 400 plus and i didn’t get even with the utilities or have any funding for the spinny rack full of local history books, whose sales were supposed to take me through Christmas. The Library never even placed an order for a refill for more books, they just took out their rack and installed a christmas tree. So i have 22 local history books to vend in a town that could care less.

Once I have moved away and i am building up the Pioneer Valley title backlist, i will offer the Merrimack Valley titles for sale again but i can’t expect any profit from them. They were a lot of good practice. I also have some of my own books i never did get to finish writing. Puttering around in my own house AWAY from here with lower stress levels, will hopefully free me up to get more of the projects in my head finished.

Not that a new house isn’t a never ending project, but right now its the only one i have to work on even if it is only inside of my head. I spend a great deal of time stuck up inside there anyway.

So far rethinking everything in my head the only change i have made is that instead of buying a new truck, i think i am going to bite the bullet and buy a 2010 ford fusion hybrid, the prices and mileage look acceptable, and i will take the 19yr old truck with me. OR i will buy another crappy truck. Essentially i may be doing a lot of miles back and forth for a while and with the hybrid and the photovoltaic system i may save money on gas. I really just want a truck for moving, picking up wood at home depot and buying my own furniture, as well moving bikes and boats. Not activities i do everyday, but ones that a sedan of any sort can’t help with. The car insurance will be pricey for a couple of years, i really just wish i can find one vehicle that can do both jobs. Perhaps i just need to keep looking.

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