We are pleased to offer the first ever, as far as we are aware, BOOK GRUEL KIT. Each kit includes:
1. Vintage cast iron meat grinder complete with clamp, but not table. This meat grinder was actually made in 1993, which makes it very old in dog years. Find your own damn table.
2. Six cans of dehydrated water. We have been told that our cans bear a suspicious resemblance to empty beer cans. Nothing could be further from the truth. Please select from: Budweiser, Coors, or Miller brands.
3. Salt, pepper, and catsup to taste.
4. BOOKS ARE NOT INCLUDED; YOU MUST SUPPLY YOUR OWN VOLUMES.
5. BOWL FOR GRUEL NOT PROVIDED; MUST WE DO EVERYTHING?
Instructions using the no-cook method:
1. Select books of your choice for placement into meat grinder.
2. Grind books well or coarsely into bowl, your preference for both bowl and grinding technique.
3. Add water to cans of water, depending on your taste for thin or thick gruel.
4. Pour water into bowl containing book flakes.
5. Add salt, pepper, and catsup.
6. Removal of book covers is optional, although you may find results less than uniform if boards are included, and rather tough, depending on cover.
7. IMPORTANT: KEEP FINGERS AWAY FROM GRINDER WHILE TURNING CRANK.
Please note that black-and-white text will produce gray gruel, and although rather tasteless, has the avantage of being rather plentiful and filling. Results may vary with picture books.
Whatever your choice — picture books or black-and-white tomes, the book gruel kit will permit you to put your mouth where your money is, while simultaneously eating your words. We have been informed, on great authority, that the gruel is amazingly similar in taste to that of cold grits. While we cannot verify this claim, we can safely say that this method is truly a means for slinging hash both literally and figuratively.
P.S. No books were harmed in the making of this notice.