I don’t know why i can’t seem to sit and write when i am not pissed…either figuratively or literally….even when i am getting paid, I just stare at the blank page until the eleventh hour, working my stress level up enough to uncork some words. it is damned inconvenient.
For the first half the week people kept texting me, “has it happened yet?”,”are you excited? and “congratulations”…..none of them realizing that for me this isn’t YET a joyous occasion, for the first time since I was 14 years old, my name will not appear on a deed….it makes me very nervous.
And I did what i usually do with nervous energy, I cleaned. I picked up the property, spent some of the last money in the bank on hanging pots, and flowers for the urns by the door, – my brother turned off the landscapers, so the lawn looks like shit – I invited people to come up to the place and take anything that isn’t nailed down or covered in the P&S. I gave the empty urns and some artwork to one friend, some lumber in the barn to another, and still even MORE lumber to a local fella building a tree fort for his kids. He kept asking me permission to take each thing, and i couldn’t really make him understand…i don’t care what he takes, I HAVE NO FREAKING WHERE to store it if i wanted it. I have everything I own squished into my 3 room apartment and it’s overflowed onto the porch.
I completely emptied the the common areas of everything that ‘was mine’, I even found a home for the oil painting my mother commissioned for my bedroom back in 1966; it’s going to a friend of a friend who has a newborn daughter. I told her to let it hang for another week, so i can take a better photo of it – as one of the first things I am buying myself is a brand new camera, I am sick of only having the iphone to shoot with, just like I am sick of not having a vehicle, and having shitty eyeglasses and crappy shoes, the list goes on. I want to GET on with the life I want and bury the one I have in the yard with the dead pets.
Of course you KNOW I jinxed myself by spending nearly the last of the lovely positive balance I have been enjoying. No sooner did i buy $44 dollars of flowers and order some used leather shoes from ebay, than Wednesday came and went and still no signing. Being of course the last person to find out ANYTHING about anything, the lawyer finally told me, ‘oh it will happen any day now’ like it was not that big a deal – What the fuck is that? Where is my closure? where is the denoument where i get to sign something and put the keys on the desk and go weep in the ladies room? what kind of buddhism is this otto? who makes up these bulshit rules? And so Wednesday came and left, and i invited Treehouse man to come back and take even MORE stuff – and did a load of laundry in what is still technically MY laundryroom. If i though running around taking glass doorknobs would make me feel better I would. But i had to be satisfied with one set i found in the barn.
Towards the plan to just ‘GET ON WITH IT’, I have the website kid standing around waiting for a deposit…that’s figurative, i am sure he’s not, but i would feel better if I gave him some. I have broken the tasks into three websites to build one at a time: Bookrepairsupplies.com, which will finally parse sicpress.com into supplys and books, another one that will be erasers only…to be named later…but don’t be surprised if i move erasergirl to joycegodsey.com and appropriate this domain for that purpose…and the one i want to get started on most of all booksofmaine.com which will be an amazon affiliated site..hopefully functioning like this one i found… i have no idea how to build it as yet, i just know what i want to do with it for content. Seems like a lot, but i think i can manage three – maine has awfully long winters . . . if i have a new camera to shoot product videos and i can invest money in products, programming and promotion… perhaps I won’t just be living off the money i haven’t got yet, and will be living off what i am bringing in – that’ll be a change. At least THAT’s the plan. and god help me i love a good plan. control freaks need a plan, even if it fails, then we pick up the pieces of that plan, glue them together and make a new plan. Living day to day without a plan is the most stressful thing i think i have ever done.