head full of noise

I must have fired my lawyer 50 times inside my head…. i needed to get away from the screaming going on inside my brain.  Conversation after conversation hitting rewind having it again and again, trying to convince the world I am in danger of being screwed.  But it’s all happening inside my head…to everyone else things are fine.   But meanwhile I am trying not to lose my mind.  And no I have still not heard from the lawyer, who’s last instructions were to contact the broker and find out what the fuck.   Needless to say…come Monday he will get fired for real, if  me no likey what i hearey…basically my brother is a short bully and i needed bully of my own …i need a divorce lawyer to go for his balls.   Believe it or not in the real world i am entirely non confrontational…no really i am… arguing with strangers for real makes me nauseated…i really don’t like it.  And arguing with Himself i just don’t do.   Besides …whens the last time you argued with an idiot? it’ exhausting, they never  realize they have lost.

Meanwhile one of my ‘fans’ i think he’s a fan, actually i don’t think he reads this at all, i think he just likes the non profit work i do.  Correct me if i am wrong tony…donated a chunk a change to yours truly.  After trying to refuse i finally just said thank you.  it wasn’t alot…enough to pay 1 bill and take care of some immediate needs, like gas in the car and groceries…which i did this am.   Then i took off for Lowell to buy some products to fill an order.  And Since I was half way to Nashua, I took a little side trip to measure the Futon couchy thing for an ottoman, because i am having fun decorating the doll house in my head, that’s my happy place.     And had a long conversation with another fella there, who showed me a smaller sort of love seat sized futon which i hadn’t seen…now i want that too.  I figure i will put that in my office or spare room…hell i may just buy it as a bed.

Shopping relaxes me….not the buying like most americans….just the act of shopping.  put me in a hardware store, craftstore, bookstore, antique store, and i can spend hours examining each product and reading the labels and deciding what i could use it for or filing it away in my brain in case i need it at a later date.

new furniture

Window shopping for new furniture is totally and completely safe activity…i can’t afford even the cheapest item…not to mention the fact that it is for a house i don’t own yet and have really no idea if i will ever own another one.  So, it’s purely a mental activity at this point, like putting together a puzzle…or research.     After doubling down at Sticks, I went to the other end of Nashua to a Mill Store….which is apparently the Aladdin’s cave of flat pack furniture…they carry everything that can possibly be bought disassembled, parawood, pine, doll trunks to garden sheds..and yes i looked at the garden sheds.  I want one of those too.

I brought my tape measure with me and measured and tried out everything they had that  IMHO didn’t suck.   I was trying to flip some switches in my head… it’s gonna get expensive if i have to buy every little bit and bob new…69 dollars for a nightstand?  i have never had a night stand…do i need a nightstand?   so i am limiting my window shopping for the things I absolutely have a need for…and then filing it away.  Basically i need to know the size of the space because they have everything in all its variation so this is kinda pointless exercise..but one of the pub height kitchen tables would make a kick ass standing desk.  Just saying.

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As an antidote on the way back on 101A  i trolled through 3 antique malls, still trying to quash the arguing going on in my head…if Himself is going to somehow screw things up so that i don’t get as much money as i want or deserve…then i will have less mad money to spend on trivial things like furniture.  And the house i buy will be less shovel ready than i would prefer and more of a fixer upper… oh joy…i have to prepare for all circumstances.  Which is why the trip down thru other people’s stuff without the new car smell.

The consignment shops reminded me was that there was plenty of gently used furniture out there where someone else has already bought, assembled and then released it into the wild.  Like the NEW furniture stores, i figured i was safe….i had just spent the last few years of my life divesting myself off all this crap.   (and i still have some more to go)  i don’t want anything that doesn’t serve a purpose and improve my quality of life. I don’t want anything i can’t afford to break and replace.   I was feeling very smug by the time i got to the third store.  the only thing i had managed to buy was a giant 24ounce white coffee mug and that was $1 at a yard sale.

By the time i got to the third store I had stopped having arguments with myself because i had come to some sort of agreement that i would buy the stuff i needed as i needed it.  That was why i was looking at new flat pack furniture to begin with.  So if i needed a nightstand i could just have it delivered.   Yeah i know i could go out and hit a bunch of consignment stores and antique shops and find a used one that does what a nightstand needs to do…but the time, trouble and exposure to lots of other potential purchases just isn’t worth it for me.  Hey…that’s what the voices in my head were telling me, so i don’t care if its true or not.

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So i get to the basement of the third store and i’m tired…i’m tired of the noise in my head, i’m tired because i have started drinking coffee and my teeth are pickup radio free europe and between the two of them and the generalized anxiety I had a migraine that would stun a bull moose…   And there in the corner are three plywood craft chairs…three chairs ONE PRICE, moth nests included.  I don’t recognize them, i just know the style and the material…mid century modern eames era and so forth and so on… they have a few spots of non structural peeling of the plywood, but that comes from being stored in a dry area.   I didn’t even argue with myself…if they had just been what they appeared to be…instead of $45 they really should have been $145…its not my fault the seller doesn’t DO post war modern.  And the voices in my head started grumbling ..two different things…pay for them quick before someone notices something and WHY the hell are you buying chairs for a house you don’t have with money you really don’t have?   Yeah i told them to shut the fuck up until we got out of the store with our booty.

Well i had never SEEN a REX CHAIR before… but i know what i like.  Apparently they were designed in 1952 and are still being made. but the styles changed a little in the early 50s.  Not knowing what i don’t know..i am doping out that these three are from 1953.  Because what i can find out online is that the NEW ONES which sell for $375…yes you read that right….$375  are based on the model from 1954..and there was ONE chair from 1952 sold on Ebay for $275 and this one doesn’t look like either one.  Like I said I am just guessing.,,,and did i mention they have stickers that say USSR on them? yeah they do.

But now i am bullshit for a couple of reasons…i can’t afford to keep them..i can’t even afford to glue the cracks… If they were worth $45 each i’d just think i got a good deal…but being worth 200 hundred?  shit…  I sent out  message to a friend  to refer me to as yet another friend, I will take some snaps and send them to a furniture guy. And see if they are worth sending to auction.  I don’t feel comfortable selling them on ebay..i don’t know shit about shit and i am just guessing.  If i can wholesale them out, i can make some money to pay another bill.    But I feel very good about the find.  Turns out i still have a good truffle hound nose… Though i would like to buy a few mid century modern pieces with money i haven’t got  for the house that i don’t have.

 

 

 

 

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