I can’t believe i was so hung up on having to rebuy a lot of furniture. I took a closer look at MOST of the houses in my price range in greenfield..not only are these houses empty since are a lot are bank owned..my apologies to all the previous owners….but they are stripped and in need of extensive renovations…no appliances to speak of, cabinets, bathrooms, ROOFS! all just waiting to whisk money away like a rip tide. So last week i started adding things up….the bathroom, the kitchen, the fridge… even using the simplest of Energy Star appliances… and when the numbers got scary, i stop adding. I stopped thinking about it. Then i started to stress out …and the dread piled up and my back became a corkscrew.

The more OTHER things i need to pay for….the less i have to spend on a house and the much less i have to spend to put into an annuity…i’ll get there, put a pin in that…. so i needed a financial consultant asap, i needed a little adult supervision to put some direction back into my creative visualizations…as it happens a friend’s husband volunteered to hear my tale of woe and while he was scribbling my want list and substracting it from the potential amount i will have at my disposal, the little number in the corner representing my ‘retirement fund’ kept getting smaller and smaller.

The idea of someone like me retiring is almost ludicrous, i am one step above unemployed and on most days i’ve got both feet trailing over the edge. But regardless as depressed and suicidal as i have been over the last 50 years i have massively failed at offing myself and I am STILL HERE. and may be here for a while yet. so i better plan better.

We juggled the numbers around until it looked suitable on the surface, but not confessing to having urges to actually BUY stuff not on the list..like new curtains and carpets…and clothes etc.. At the end I just shrugged…if i make 300k from the house, and don’t buy a house that is anything more than a hovel, somehow in the end, i will be able to live in a very comfortable two story cardboard box when i retire. But who are we kidding, booksellers don’t retire. We just keep doing what we are doing until we die. and that’s really what i was planning on.

I wont feel bad about putting money INTO a house, in fact i would rather have a house that i can sculpt to make me happy. I just KNOW that i have long bouts of the ‘i don’t give a flying fucks’ and that can be detrimental to the plan. So things like the bathroom and kitchen which have to be done by grownups aren’t a big deal. Painting and papering and such that i would be responsible for, is what will take a backseat from time to time.

The adrenaline rush from the original idea of selling the house and moving someplace else is entirely gone, in fact, the longer the process takes the more down in the dumps i am getting. More and more things are breaking in fact I think my tv died last night…sadly i don’t even have the money to pay the dump to take it. I had planned on buying new one when i move, this one is about 18 years old, but it is highly doubtful i will last that long without one streaming to sleep at night.

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