We can distill everything i have done for the past three months to just waiting… once the initial rush of excitement was over and i realized i had just put my life’s course into my brother’s hands and now i was on HIS schedule, i have only pretending to move forward, cleaning and packing and window shopping are all just busy work. I don’t really think i have done anything that will actually help me get where i am going in a better prepared condition.
Never fails at some point in the day, something sneaks up and pokes me from behind reminding me that i have failed at so many things over and over again, that what’s ahead will probably more of the same. The plan the voices and i agreed upon was to buy a house small enough for me to maintain, and set it up energy wise for it me to break even. But the more i consider all of the expenses of living a more middle class lifestyle: a dependable vehicle, a bullet proof house, enough furniture to deaden the echoes, reinvestment in my own business, et.. i realize that i could easily have very little left in the bank. And i don’t make all that much money to replace it. I really never have. Even when i had a straight job in Boston in the 90s, i was spending more than half my paycheck just trying to survive that life.
Sicpress doesn’t really make all that much on its own, it probably breaks even overall. The editing jobs have dried up completely, though to be fair I am not actively listing myself online as an editor at all; my brain in this limbo i would just not get the work done. A large reason i want to move elsewhere is to eliminate distractions, not just the cat rescues,the local nonsense, but the constant struggle with the apartment and the bills. The number of hours i waste in the day just trying to make DO without and create a work around, or avoid a bill collector are remarkably high. You don’t notice it until you start actually keeping track. WHY Am i doing this activity? How much time would i save if i didn’t have to do it? Would i be having to do this if i had more money? and I don’t mean a LOT more money, just a little more. JUST enough.
Days or weeks actually when i have little money, i don’t go anywhere, essentially i just sit and putter and get as much done as i absolutely have to. WHen i had a book business that was a going concern, when i had money flowing IN and out at an even rate, I would go out in the morning, hit the post office, the bank, Staples, whatever else i needed, groceries or gas, then come back home and sort and process and ship for the next day. When i had outside money, it was about the same, i would do errands when they NEEDED to be done. Ship a package when it had to go out, buy gas when i needed gas etc.. For the last five years? six? eight, maybe… less and less money has been coming in the door, so i learned how to live with less and less overall. Wait until the next order comes in to ship the last one, only restock products when wholesale orders come in to cover the large expense, keep working with the rescue groups in case i need emergency veterinary care or run out of food (and THAT has come in handy), don’t even THINK of going to a store for just one thing, not even a big box store. etc. etc etc…
I have mastered what i think is a life that balances a frugal lifestyle with JUST enough immediate gratification to keep me from dwelling on just how poor i am. I am sure i would be better off if my life was a little more skinflint, if i didn’t buy that take out pizza or browse the thrift shop shelves when i am feeling peckish or make third world s. But who the hell wants to live like that? i know i wouldn’t last long being as fiscally responsible as i am supposed to be. America is full of people who can live better on what i make.
Money has just never been my thing, making a balanced budget has always been like nailing jelly to a tree for me. It isn’t anything hard and fast, it’s all fluid, with the sections on a pie chart flying around like propeller blades. How much i spend on any one thing varies with how important that thing is any of day of the week. Broken truck trumps electric bill and so forth. At least i recognize another one of my inadequacies.
I have been asking around for someone to recommend a financial advisor, someone else to pay, along with the brokers and the lawyers, but i figure if it keeps me from making a mistake it will probably be worth it. Now i don’t know if that’s true, but that’s why i think i need an advisor.
Perhaps what i really am fishing for at the age of 52 is adult supervision. I guess i need to have someone say ‘yes that’s a good plan.’ translated into ‘you can’t possibly fuck that up, so go ahead.’ because I know me, i’ve know me for 50 years, there’s hardly anything i cant fuck up given enough money and time .
The unexpected by-product of the refinancing is that Himself and I are splitting an extra 5k over the refinance amount. Probably the week after next i will get 2,500 in the mail. Ostensibly to tide me over until…but until when? What do i pay first? what do i put off until? What can i spend it on that will improve my condition until? The mechanic gets paid his $400 plus right away, as the truck is acting up and i need to be even steven with him before anything else happens. I need to restock some supplies for resale but that’s only about $200. the rest has to last until god knows when unless something comes up before hand that is more important.