queer looks

photo (6) I ran into an old family friend today and as we were catching up, i let slip that i had been doing rescues for 10 years, and that i had some  cats…that was after she tried to convince me that i didn’t actually WANT to buy a house and we all know i NEED a house, cause….i have cats… that was the point in the conversation she made a face like a poodle hearing a weird noise and started talking to me like i was a simple minded crazy person… i stopped in mid conversation and tried to back her out of the expression. I don’t think she believed me.

Folks society CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS! you can classify folks who do rescue, whether its cats, dogs, wolves or laboradoodles as crazy hoarding folks to mock and pity and then USE us to dispose of loose animals you just don’t want on your property… i’m still here, still have two cages with  kittens in my living room that I didn’t magically create because i got bored. My personal rule is that i don’t take animals into my home unless what’s going to happen to them is worse, and NO one stays.   I am not a hoarder,  I am not ashamed of my house, some days i am not happy about it, but ‘I‘ – cant’ figure out how to really emphasize the litter ‘I‘ –  am one of the people who gets called INTO deal with the crazy hoarding house people with more pets than they can handle. ‘I‘ am one of the responsible ones. ‘I’ am one of the people who cleans up other people’s MESSES… DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME WITH THAT QUEER AS FUCK SURPRISED POODLE EXPRESSION.. oh fuck you I’m getting a house.

I don’t just need a house, cause i’d make a sucky tenant.  I WANT a house.  unlike all those little girls who dreamed of being married and having kids and a life, I wanted a house.  My mother was bipolar and i wanted my own house where should couldn’t fuck with my thinks or bang pots and pans around if she thinks i was sleeping,  or find out she unplugged all my electronics and killed my fish.  The house I had when i got married wasn’t mine either, it was mostly the banks, and my ex was basically a large hamster, littering his cage with 9 different newspapers every week.  When the banks came in and reclaimed it because my ex wasn’t paying any bills and the money i was making selling all the antiques and furniture i had collected to decorate MY house, wasn’t really enough to keep body and soul together, i didn’t really feel like that house was ever mine to begin with.

If lets just say IF a miracle should happen and i could find rescue groups to TAKE the bulk of the cat volume and i could rent someplace, and 250k will pay an awful lot of rent….i wouldnt’ be any happier, i’d be in the same shit i am in now…just with a little money.  I WANT my own space, where i can knock a hole in a wall if it displeases me, if i drop a can of wood stain on the floor, i can shrug my shoulders and just stain the entire thing the same color, i WANT the chance to have chickens and fresh eggs, i want a garage where i can restore Ralegh three speeds, i want MORE than the three fucking rooms i have now.  I want an office with a door that closes, I want a guest room i can struggle every day to keep the cats out of, because we all know they will want the be in there more than any place else, i want to decorate or NOT decorate as i see fit, i don’t want to hear the neighbors through the walls and have to wait three days for a plumber, I WANT what i have been wanting since i was ELEVEN.  I want my own fucking house.

I WANT what i have been planning, to buy a house for about 110-130K, put 30K of Solar electric and other energy saving systems into it, populate it with furniture and appliances that i didn’t get off the curb.  I want to build bookcases and have all of my books on shelves at the same time.  I don’t want to OWE anyone my rent, or a utility payment, i don’t want anyone to ever have THAT kind of power over me.  I want to put some of this money INTO my business and make the money i need to pay my bills, without feeling like a useless slacker cause i can’t make ends meet.  I finally want the power over my own life.  and my brother can go fuck himself.

I emptied another bookcases out onto the work table, when i get home from the Boston Book fair tomorrow, i will dust them and sort them into boxes and i used the empty bookcase to hold all the loose books from the non bookcases nooks and crannies.. there isn’t a foreseeable end to the book boxing… because of the lack of space they are popping up all over the place.  I feel bad that my apartment doesn’t LOOK nicer, it will NEVER look nicer, it will just keep looking more and more like a monthly storage unit.  I’m sorry but it’s three rooms and I have been here for 20 years, it’s not like i have a lot of options.  Neatening up around here is the equivalent of just moving things from one side of the room to the other.   When i have my OWN house,  if things don’t have a place, then they will go onto the curb and they can end up decorating someone elses apartment.


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