same shit different place

Joseph-Mallord-William-Turner-Paintings-Life-Boat-and-Manby-Apparatus-going-off-to-a-Stranded-Vessel-making-Signal-of-Distress-1831the voices in my head have been at it again….but after all these months, i’m just fucking tired and don’t really give a shit who wins the arguments. Basically i have come full circle to the same exhausted conclusions i did on August 20th last year. ‘I can be poor anywhere’ and will most likely be. I can’t believe i was expecting my life to be much different, i was deluded thinking that i was going to get ‘extra’ money…selling the house will bring me exactly enough money to change my location, not enough to move me back into the middle class – if i am lucky, i will be able to increase my income to passable but not much more.

The voices have been rowing because one feels i should look for as cheap a house as possible, and the other one knows i will end up loathing it and sticking my head in the oven…don’t worry it will be electric….. i have my heart set on that little red one, and what if i end up paying more for it and not having enough to fix all the things wrong with it….that’s when the other voice, says “it doesn’t matter”, if i buy a cheaper house, it will just have more wrong with it. The porch, the garage, the basement, and interior issues, it will either get fixed or it won’t – but what is more valuable to ME? the location? the view of the river? they are worth much more to me than living with a 1970s kitchen or a rusty bathtub… those i can fix. If i find a house elsewhere with less wrong with it, i will wake up everyday seeing my neighbors kids waiting for the bus, and go to sleep listening to someone’s dog – i may have that in the littler red one…but i will have the view and the location to comfort me. that’s what i have convinced myself of.

Yeah I will have to get some furniture…but i’ve had hundreds of pieces in my life, furniture is cheap and plentiful in america…i had just been having happy thoughts at having stuff no one ever owned before, i

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had silly girl fantasies of matching plates and flatware, but that doesn’t really have any meaning in the greater scheme of things… the contents of the house are meaningless to me. My quality of life is not linked to theses things…i think i proved that over the last 10 years… i would pile all my stuff in the front yard and light it on fire if i thought it would get me out of here sooner.

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One of the voices has her heart set on a new camera which is fair enough….i have been saving up for a DLSR for a while now…i have $10 in my savings account…i keep looting it for silly things like food. I know that if i have a better digital camera I can do some serious work in Maine…and i think it will pay for itself…but how much can i spend on a camera? how much can i spend on a truck? will i have money to put in the solar electric system i want? will that pay for itself? this is all moot until this house sells. And whatever i get will have to make do.

And if i have to scrimp and save and eat rice and beans elsewhere, that’s a fair enough trade off – i can be poor anywhere, i have proven that.

 

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