short story about petards

This is pretty funny to me – but i’m a sick bastard….my sister in law in ONE LAST DITCH to yank on my chain before the closing last week,insisted that my bill with the gas company…which has fuckall to do with her, be paid prior to the closing.  Of course in the sad game of telephone that we play..that demand went through her lawyer to mine to me.   And my response was BITE ME.  Sadly my lawyer ALWAYS rephrases my elegantly worded prose, damn him. I tried to explain how it was just one humiliation too many.    He convinced me to let her have her way that final time, since it was no skin off my nose.  In the end I didn’t give a shit.   But as it is turning out, I DO know a bit more about paying unpaid bills that they do.

The money was taken from my lottery winnings and given to the ‘closing’ atty (atty #3) who actually DID cut a check and send it to the gas company with a note with my account number – i know…i‘ve seen the photocopy.  So of course i have to wait for that to hit, before i can have the acct put back into my name.  NO BIG right? it’s summer…how much gas can i be using that’s in my brother’s name?  a buck and a half?  it’s only heating the water in the water heater..and i haven’t even used any.  Apparently my sister in law was calling the gas company every day this week to check to see if i had put my name on the account yet….remember the check was mailed…perhaps Thursday? and on Tuesday I get a rancid email whining that i haven’t done what i said i was gonna.   Now You and I and every sane person knows that a check NEVER GETS THERE IN A HURRY much less processed.  So of course, my lawyer has me call and check on the check.  And I did..Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday… mind you it takes about 20 actual minutes to get someone on the phone and give them my bonefides so they WILL do the checking on the check.

Meanwhile I am gleefully envisioning my sister in law wringing her hands at the mere thought that i am taking long luxurious hot showers everyday and the gas meter is spinning like an  insane windmill.  I mean seriously bitch what is your freaking problem?   Good god people, if you really, really wanted it done expeditiously you should have just let me pay it at the bodega and be done with it.   But she was more concerned with tweaking my tail than actually getting their name off the account.

I told the lawyers THREE…cause that’s how many fucking lawyers she has involved in this ridiculously stupid inspid chore of paying a bill that really wasn’t as bad as all that. It was certainly smaller than i had envisioned – I told them my sister in law is now THEIR problem, not mine.  I expect the gas company to return the check to the lawyer…eventually..they don’t like taking payments from third parties over the phone, i can imagine its the same in real life.  Which distills down to ….it may take as long as 2 or 3 weeks to void the check that was sent and then give me my money back so i can go pay the damn thing at the bodega, which i wanted to do last week.   Someone else can do the calling everyday to check to see if it has cleared.  I’ve got a few better things to do than imagine her head exploding..not many…but a few.

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