the 500 lb gorilla


I kept thinking the stress would break, and i could write something positive…but it didn’t…today was that point where the rock rolled back down the hill.

My sister in law who unbeknownst to my brother, turned up on my doorstep, to drive home how badly things had gotten regarding the bank and the mortgagey papery thing they were pressuring me to sign. Doug the new lawyer, keeps telling me they are exaggerating the severity of the situation to get me to do what THEY want, and not have to do what ‘I’ want, which is to sign the broker paperwork. You would think it would be an easy deal to make, everyone signs and everyone walks away happy…but alas not the 500 lb gorilla…. you know the joke about the 500lb where does he sit…or is it where does he sleep? basically anywhere he wants. You know how i refer to my darling motherfucker of a brother as HIMSELF…. in my mind, Himself is not the-man-of-the-house but the drunkard of the house, the sleeping monster that keeps everyone on tenterhooks, tiptoeing past and around, the person in the home that prevents certain topics of conversation, and curtails behavior…basically the 500lb gorilla, and when he’s unhappy he tears up the jungle around him and everyone else. Which brings me back to my sister in law who has to live with the 500lb gorilla. From 20 miles away, I can imagine his head exploding and him tearing up the jungle around him when i don’t do what he wants, but she has the ringside seat.

Apparently her entire marriage is now teetering on this issue, where Himself will only sign with my broker if she provides him with hardcopy of a “marketing plan” – a document that technically doesn’t really exist. A marketing ‘plan’ for any broker, depends on the property and the broker and is fluid depending on the market and the client and a shit load of other variables. Usually this is discussed between client and broker at the outset when you decide to climb into bed together. Putting it on paper commits the woman to a course of action that would allow Himself to fire her if she deviates…now that’s never going to happen, but WHY give him the ammunition to try? People forget….i am just as much a dick as Himself, and since i WON’T sign with another broker, his threats would be meaningless.

But back to my Sister in law who is having a breakdown in my couchless but box-filled living room, i don’t think she’s been here in years. Apparently Himself has forbade her from talking to or about me, so i was no danger of a family reunion. She’s freaked because her lawyer is telling them one thing and then telling my lawyer something else which is trickling back to me as a third thing altogether, (did we remember that THEIR lawyer isn’t THEIR lawyer but the banks lawyer and hence has no responsibility to anyone BUT the bank? and by the way they aren’t paying their lawyer, as i am paying mine) So we spent a couple of hours each on our respective iphones, talking to our respective lawyers, and she even attempted to reason with Himself over the phone a couple of times.

Her biggest fears are that IF the bank forecloses on the house her credit will be shot and she won’t be able to obtain loans for her kids college, which are very serious fears…Mine is that i will be homeless and living in someone’s unheated basement with 8 cats and a chihuahua. I think my fears trump hers, but i’m biased. The simple solution is for her to sign the fucking listing papers which SHE and only she can sign, being the trustee for his half, makes Himself ex parté to the entire party. Her reluctance revolves around one thing…fear of the 500lb gorilla’s temper tantrum and that’s all. that’s it. there are no rational or logical arguments for anyone’s reluctance…’cept tiptoeing around the sleeping gorilla.

After some very long hours of a hideous game of Telephone – everyone agreed to sign everything, but everyone wanted their paperwork signed first. Now the negotiations are revolving around where to do the signing. By now i don’t really give a fuck if i sign them in a bus station men’s room. I want to put a stake through this creature and move on with my life.

I didn’t WANT to be here through another winter, another heating season, but i figured at least by now we would have taken an offer and i’d be house shopping….but i didn’t realize my brother would waste 4 months of my life, jerking the bank around until they were fed up and ugly. The thing that sets in my craw..the most, the worst..that’s a weird idiom….is that at no point was I involved in this…the BANK are the biggest fucking dummies…Himself had no power of attorney for me and no right to negotiate on my behalf. They shouldn’t have been talking to ONLY him. I would have at least approached another bank or two to cover the flipping note..the damn fucking thing is less than 12% of the value of the house..what bank wouldn’t want a short term note on that? They live to take our interest money. So Himself has royally fucked up the accounting.

Which brings me BACK to my sister in law…I told her i wouldn’t sign anything until i got the nod from Doug, which meant going back and forth with him until we worked out a sequence of events. If i did something contrary to his advice i would be MINUS another Lawyer a state which i can’t afford. Now i KNOW why HIMSELF doesn’t want me to have a lawyer…but she just didn’t GET why i needed one. NO I didn’t laugh in her face..she was crying and i’m not an asshole. Thus came the part that i still don’t have the heart to tell her. That the Lawyer is for protection from the BOTH of them. Naivete or not they didn’t have the right to control the house accounts or negotiate on my behalf, so this clusterfuck is all their fault. Even if i end up homeless, the lawyer’s going for gorilla balls. He will have to, that’s the only way he’ll get paid.
Eventually the party broke up and I FINALLY collected the two new foster kittens…they should friendly up nicely, they are fat little butterballs with winter coats from the cold. My back is still a twisted corkscrew, i exhausted the broker, i pissed off my lawyer and i caused world war three to break out at my Sister in Law’s house when i sent her back with a completely generic ‘marketing plan’ so the Gorilla would have some nighttime reading.

Meanwhile, the only conversations I have had are with the voices in my head and they are uselessly suggesting things i SHOULD have said, instead of what i did say. Clusterfuck doesn’t even describe today…. imagine five relatively smart people..myself, my sister in law, my broker, my lawyer and their two lawyers..make that 6 people…and all we are trying to do is to satisfy the whims of a 500lb gorilla so he doesn’t tear up the jungle.

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