The knave abideth.

Two Gentlemen of Lebowski, by Adam Bertocci What if… William Shakespeare wrote The Big Lebowski

You have got to SO read this, man.

It’s Shakespeare and the Dude locked in a death embrace. This Adam kid is both very clever and very very bored and I am so wicked jealous. I must mix myself a White Russian and read it again.

1.1
[THE KNAVE’s house. Enter THE KNAVE, carrying parcels, and two THUGS. They fight]

BLANCHE
Whither the money, Lebowski? Faith, we are servants of Bonnie; promised by the lady good that thou in turn were good for’t.

WOO
Bound in honour, we must have our bond; cursed be our tribe if we forgive thee.

BLANCHE
Let us soak him in the commode, so as to turn his head.

WOO
Aye, and see what vapourises; then he will see what is foul.

[They insert his head into the commode]

BLANCHE
What dreadful noise of waters in thine ears! Thou hast cooled thine head; think now upon drier matters.

WOO
Speak now on ducats else again we’ll thee duckest; whither the money, Lebowski?

THE KNAVE
Faith, it awaits down there someplace; prithee let me glimpse again.

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