Two Gentlemen of Lebowski, by Adam Bertocci What if… William Shakespeare wrote The Big Lebowski
You have got to SO read this, man.
It’s Shakespeare and the Dude locked in a death embrace. This Adam kid is both very clever and very very bored and I am so wicked jealous. I must mix myself a White Russian and read it again.
[THE KNAVE’s house. Enter THE KNAVE, carrying parcels, and two THUGS. They fight]
Whither the money, Lebowski? Faith, we are servants of Bonnie; promised by the lady good that thou in turn were good for’t.
Bound in honour, we must have our bond; cursed be our tribe if we forgive thee.
Let us soak him in the commode, so as to turn his head.
Aye, and see what vapourises; then he will see what is foul.
[They insert his head into the commode]
What dreadful noise of waters in thine ears! Thou hast cooled thine head; think now upon drier matters.
Speak now on ducats else again we’ll thee duckest; whither the money, Lebowski?
Faith, it awaits down there someplace; prithee let me glimpse again.