three choices

Parlor#14CAsk any woman of a certain age…and really all we fear is homelessness. We can suck up anything else…cancer, loss, poverty, bring it…but having no home to call your own scares us on a level we can’t even put into words. The closer we get to signing the purchase and agreement with the new owner, the more scared..scareder….fearful…more fightened…none of those work…it mostly like night terrors where you know your afraid, but you aren’t sure about what.
I know me…i am not in denial about anything, i know i suck at money, and i know regardless of how hard i work, i’m inherently lazy, i work just hard enough to allow myself to crawl up inside my head the rest of the time…and I know i am a control freak. What has always pissed me off about Himself and before him, Herself, is that could swoop into my life whenever they chose and roll a hand grenade into the room. Critiquing my lifestyle…if you can call it that, my housekeeping, my occupation – or lack thereof depending, and generally drive home the fact that they view me as pond scum, not fit to live in their house..and if i wouldn’t mind, crawling off and droping dead first chance i get, they would be grateful. I say all that so i can say this… i would rather be broke with a house than be flush with no house.

My Lawyer assures me that the new owner are fine, their lawyer is fine, everything is fine – and i should relax and stop worrying…..meanwhile I am sitting on the floor of the shower weeping into the drain – worrying is what i DO, it’s one of the skills my mother taught me: Bitching, Nagging and Worrying – she was an artisan. Good god, I wouldn’t want me as a tenant and until I buy THE House or any house, that’s what i will be the moment I take their money for my half of this place.. (i haven’t bothered to learn the new owners name..somehow that will make it more real.) I will be trading control of my residence to someone for money, i avoided giving Himself that control years, now I am giving it to a stranger.

I have three choices in front of me, In lieu of buying either the house i really want, or just any house for the sake of buying a house – I can rent a house in Maine, which is about a 1000 a month, plus putting a lot of my crap in storage $400 a month, and hiding most of my roommates – which is where it will get iffy. I thought I was moving with way fewer, but the adoption fell through on Sammy and charlie and I inherited my dead cousins cat which is for all intents and purposes unadoptable. He’s old and needs a pill twice a day..oh joy. Like I said, I would not want me as a tenant. This is a very expensive route to take…but i would get me into my new life faster and i could then wait for the house i want. If i were bringing in that kind of income every month i would do it in a heartbeat, but i am not as yet. Bottom line is i don’t want to start pissing through the ‘new money’ until I know what i will need to buy the house and then fix its innerds.

31I24mN70cLSecond choice is a huge step backwards and down the ladder….I still need to put most of my crap in storage, and move into empty room at a friend’s house – one room for me and all my roommates, plus my computer. I will have to buy some of those large storage containers to put in her basement so my Mail Order business won’t take the hit. But then changing my address to move to bumfuck New Hampshire for an undisclosed period of time is a dreadful idea. I would probably have to get rid of nearly everything I own to keep the storage unit costs down. Sure I will have some money in the bank, but this sounds like just unstoppering a bunghole on a vat of malmsey…just a big red hemorage.

The last choice is the least painful, and the one that relys on the most cooperation…to shelter in place…stay here as a tenant, which means reducing my footprint to an acceptable level. I can get all my ‘stuff’ into just the small garage and my apartment…and just pay rent on those two spaces. That’s tricky and sweaty but doable. I will have to surrender my workroom slash laundry, where my heaviest possesions are…industrial grade steel shelving. I can break it down and put it in the garage along with my boat and a few bicycles and the wooden windows i want for a greenhouse i may never have…and so forth. The Sicpress products for sale will have to come into my apartment which means I will be playing musical storage in here. I will swap the bedroom and the office since the bedroom has shelving for the products and room for all the cardboard and packing material…which is really what the laundryroom contains…mess. I will have to start using the laundromat, but at leasts i will have the quarters for it.

Right now that’s the plan, if i go with the last choice, the other two are still options waiting in the wings.  I was able to sleep last night and didn’t have a migraine for breakfast. I have kinda of resolved myself to let the universe play out its hand…which in 52 years of experience tells me, if i have set my sights on a making a new life that makes me happy, in a place that makes me happy, in a house that makes me happy, I will in the end get none of those things.  I just never do. I finally have the money to buy the house I want and the universe just moves it back across the table, until it is just out of reach of my fingers. And It may stay on that side of the table for quite some time, i don’t know. I do know that there are types of people in the universe who get the things they want, and those that don’t and it has nothing to do with lack of effort or deserving and apparently even money.

I made a list of all the bills i have to pay when the house check clears, and a few donations i want to make to organizations and a few people who have been good to me these last few years. It’s not a small amount but i knew it wouldn’t be, combine that with a new truck, new glasses and so forth and you can see I am already burning through the ‘new money’ and i don’t have it properly invested in a HOUSE. I wanted to buy the HOUSE first, so that the other spending wouldn’t have naught to do with it. But the universe has other plans – and i know its play..it wants to take the money away from me a little at a time, so in the end i won’t have either a home nor the money. The Universe is a son of a bitch.

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