through the cracks

deskI nearly gave myself a stroke…i misplaced something i bought on amazon, something i bought for myself and paid a pretty penny for.  I tore apart what’s left of my office and finally after giving up and saying “i will find it when I move or die.”  i suddenly remembered what it looked like and where it was.  I had put it away somewhere ‘safe’  – this is the same someplace ‘safe’  my mother used to store our Christmas presents that would reappear in July.  To quote Douglas Adams “this is some strange usage of the word ‘safe’ that I was previously unaware of.”

I don’t mind getting old, I don’t mind the grey hair and the squishy middle. And  I am finally getting a handle on the flock of beard hairs…but the losing my mind part is making me crazy;   Forgetting words in mid sentence, walking into rooms and forgetting why I went in and most of all forgetting where I put things moments after I take my eyes off them.

This week I had 3 unhappy customers, now i have 1 very happy customer, 1 unhappy guy who never had anything to be unhappy about and one guy who was unhappy before I ever met him.  That’s about 3 over par, for me.  Usually if I fuck up, I can make it right as rain – but these days I spend half my time wracking my memory to see if I had forgotten something. Thankfully with all 3 of these cases the post office shoulders a good portion of the blame..one customer had the nerve to tell me that Priority Mail was guaranteed in 3 days…which is quite unfair –  that kind of statement can keep me rolling on the floor holding my middle for a good portion of the afternoon, and another had his complete and correct order take exactly the right amount of time and get delivered to his house exactly when it was supposed to,  but in the meantime had decided I was the antichrist and returned his purchase for a full refund.  He did however make a point of keeping the lagniappe I had enclosed…not bad for an antichrist.

It has taken me 2 years to get used to it, but now I write everything down in my moleskine…I run out of mouthwash I write it down, i make an appointment I write it down,  I pay a bill I write it down.  It’s painful to admit that my short term memory is for shite.  I can still remember my high school locker number and the name of my best friend when i was five…but 10 minutes after i walk out of a store I will forget what i bought and have to look in the bag.  These days I warn my friends, if you ask me to do something and don’t send me an email about it, it’s your own damn fault if i forget.  My ears just aren’t connected to my brain anymore.

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