The beastie left today…she was a bit of a security blanket….and lately i have been feeling very insecure…i haven’t slept well for a few days and I am convinced that the universe or at least some of the people and institutions in it are out to get me. I could be wrong but i doubt it. I think one of the things that freaked out my lawyer was me telling her, ‘i’m poor, i’ve been poor for a long time and i will probably be poor in the future, it doesn’t scare me.’ that’s about the time she tried to arrange to be paid out of the bribe money my brother was offering me to sign the new bank paperwork. I get to sign all that shit on monday morning, under threats of the rack and other tortures…fuck em… my brother has sat on my back and made me eat dirt many times in the last 50 years, i just get up and spit the mud right back at him.
I feel better about it all now…though i am certain a certain real estate agent has been pissing in his ear….it would behoove them very much if the house fell into foreclosure, they want it very badly for their new office and they certainly would be happier buying it at auction…hence i need to worry about them a lot more than my brother. (it was them who were offering the buy out money to get me out of the picture – sorry kiddies, i’m a masochist, give it your best shot…my mother was the queen of psychological abuse, dead 3 years you still don’t come up to her ankles)
Meanwhile i was surfing through reddit and someone asked for books that would make them feel better about being poor…or in the new meme, living a less consumptive lifestyle (i remember when consumption meant tb). Silly people… if you really want to read great propaganda about being happy in your poverty, you want to watch Frank Capra films..nothing else comes close, and nothing else makes you feel better afterwards.
I own a lot of dvds…like a scary amount…and sadly it’s only about a third of what i used to own…as time passed i sold off many either for the money or the space. But everything pre1945 is sacrosanct, I do love my old movies…half the time i don’t have a working dvd player, but sooner or later i get another one and run it until it dies. I was corrupted at an early age by You Can’t Take It With You….Kaufman and Hart like Ben Hecht are some of my patron saints…remind me to build a shrine in the new house if i ever get one. The idea of a big house where people do what makes them happy, and work as little as they need to in order to keep being the lilys of the field that they are…. a nice little social fantasy 1937 Pulizer for Best Drama…which is now labeled a comedy. The message it still carries into 2013 is “do what makes you happy and you won’t be a bitter asshole.” Not a bad message if you ask me. Capra the master, was really the Horatio Alger of Hollywood.
over 30 years ago I was also corrupted by Mary Lasswell’s Suds in Your Eye characters….(apparently the books are now available electronically, but i prefer my beat up reread hard copies) Elderly women who live a very happy impoverished lifestyle that centers around beer and generally making do with whatever is at hand. Granted they are happy little feel good fictions that paint an idealized life of being content with the nothing that you have, instead of stressing about what you haven’t got. But they are just as valid a source material than whatever self help meme is trending this week. I’d certainly rather read about three retired ladys in a junk yard than have someone with a LOT more money than myself make me feel bad about wanting a 27 inch television.
A week ago, i could visualize what i would do after selling this house, where i would live and what i would do to my new digs to make them welcoming and fun and by renting a room out on Airbnb i could have guests from time to time when i wanted them. This week i have no idea if i will make enough from the sale to buy another house, maybe i will maybe i won’t, its going to be interesting to see how it plays out. I’m not afraid of being poor, i’m sick and tired of it, but it doesn’t scare me, i can be poor anywhere.